“Just like children, emotions heal when they are heard and validated.”
― Jill Bolte Taylor
You know that awkward feeling when you have not seen someone in a very long time, and you are not sure how to start the conversation? This is how I am feeling now writing my first blog post in over a year. Writing has always had a place in my life for as long as I can remember. My diaries were my best friend, and later in life, so were my blogs. Rekindling my relationship with the written word is often thwarted by my low self-esteem or just feeling blasé about my life in general, and “certainly I do not have anything interesting so say”, says my often, grumpy mind.
I am going to change this right now…
… lets catch up shall we.
For those who are new to Muse In The Valley. My name is Kim Larocque, in 2011 I left an emotionally abusive relationship, to end up here, in my little apartment with my two teens (now 19 and 17). When I arrived, to my surprise, instead of feeling relieved, I felt lost and totally disconnected to myself, see: (Let The Truth Be Known (Depression Hurts)). Thus, I walked into the nearest community center asking for help (see video below this post for the full story) and since then, I have been in therapy with one of the most awesome therapists I have ever met.
4 years ago, I never thought I would be on medical disability, leaving my teaching career, to take care of this person who is me, just me (and the kids of course); thus, started a tremendous and tumultuous journey of soul excavation, healing and self-acceptance.
“I’m so scared of dying without ever being really seen.”
― David Foster Wallace, Infinite Jest
They say shoveling snow is hard on the body and heart, however, imagine shoveling deep inside the archeological site of your soul; dusting off, examining, one by one: the pain, shame, and sometimes humiliating truths which were dormant for so long. This type of therapy is so powerful, it can shatter you for for brief moments, until the ripples begin to heal as they wave across the ocean of your psych.
Sitting with my relics, I decide what I keep, and what I discard, what I want to study and what I know is possible to forgive. It is deeply satisfying work, yet it takes strength to get through it, and one cannot (and must not, in my opinion) do it alone.
I have, over the years, learned to trust only a few with my deepest darkest thoughts and memories. My therapist, and a friend or two. This way, I do not to set myself up for judgement. There are those who can understand or « seek to understand » what I am going through, and others who just feel the need to « fix me ». Believe me, I was one of those « “Imagonna” fix you » people, and “those” people are very well intended most of the time, and so was I. I understand now, trying to fix someone makes them feel broken, or worthless. It makes them feel like they have done something wrong, or abnormal/crazy. Today, I try to just be there, while sometimes setting boundaries for myself. I really try to hold space for the person and allow them to feel what they feel.
I also comprehend now that we do not need fixing, most humans need to feel loved. Our inner child needs to feel heard, valued and seen. The day I finally felt that way, healing began. My therapist doesn’t make me feel crazy for saying « I have not showered in over 13 days » or « I cannot take being around people for long periods of time » and « All I want to do is say « fuck you » over and over again, I am that angry! » What she does is allow me to feel the way I am feeling, and knows, deep down, there is a reason I do not feel worthy enough for a shower. She holds space, thus, assisting me in finding ways to raise my self-esteem, and increase self-compassion and love.
All this being said, I think this is a good way to catch up, and to introduce my story to the new. Here is my latest video, which tells this story in a different light. Make sure to give it a thumbs up and leave a comment.
Remember: Make Mental Health a priority!