“Your hand opens and closes, opens and closes. If it were always a fist or always stretched open, you would be paralysed. Your deepest presence is in every small contracting and expanding, the two as beautifully balanced and coordinated as birds’ wings.”
My heart races every morning when I wake up. The fear so intense, I hide under my covers until the monster disappears. In increments of 10 minutes at a time, I talk my way out of an imaginary sticky situation, and allow myself to not fight, or run away. My body chemically reacting to a threat that isn’t there, biology takes over, and I churn my thoughts until reality hits.
I am safe.
At the time, I was safe, yet my mind and pounding heart was telling my brain there was danger, and they reacted as such. It is a challenge to describe what happens to us when anxiety or panic hits. Especially first thing in the morning, when one expects to awaken, like they do in the movies, all fresh, ready to face the day.
I wish I was as perky as Mylie Cyrus’s breasts when I take on the day. However, most times, I do not open the curtains until the afternoon, when my spirit is beginning to accept that she is part of this world, and the parameters are secure to walk around, according to the honorable judge brain.
As I finally get up, I get dressed and wash my face. I may have to lie down again for a little while when the feeling of “off centeredness” happens, and I must find my center.
“The ingredients of both darkness and light are equally present in all of us,…The madness of this planet is largely a result of the human being’s difficulty in coming to viruous balance with himself. ”
― Elizabeth Gilbert,
I admit, my mornings are not at all typical of the regular Joan, however, I learn to embrace them, and the more I accept the way things are, the more I heal. When everything is in the gray area, instead of black or white, there is room to play, and my mornings are my own, and I accept them this way… for now.
Life, really, doesn’t go as planned, and now, with goals in hand, and healing still to do. Acceptance brought me to this “Unstoppability” the way of the warrior child, the shaman spirit, the witches’ brew. I can live my life, my way, and not feel I am separate from anyone any more.
When I stop comparing my life to those around me, on social media or in my community, and start giving myself permission to accept my life, and spiral up towards it. I scroll past what doesn’t serve me, and take in what does.
Life in fact, is about balance, that thought, ingrained in my from the early lives of self-help books, and television, never gets old. It is a reminder that we can be unstoppable and live the life we want, on our own terms.
As long as we are kind, compassionate towards ourselves and others. I do not see what can go wrong.
So, as the monster appears in morning, the angel appears at night.
And this my friends, is all in divine order…
Today… for now…
“If you think too much heaven within your mind,
you may have no time for simple things in this life.”
― Toba Beta,