It told me it was coming the night I closed my eyes, and began to drift off to sleep. In a dreamlike state, half sleeping, half awake, dark clouds everywhere, looming, floated into my mind. I could see them, grey, charcoal black, on the front on storming into my life.
I shook myself awake.
I denied the vision, as all I wanted was to get some sleep. I made myself believe that it wasn’t happening, yet, the next morning, when I could barely get out of bed, all the feelings coming over me were all too familiar, however, I thought I could shoo them away with a bit of sunshine.
I took it upon myself to start drawing, happy, smiley, flowers. I made my favorite coffee, and took a walk with the dog. I put up some Christmas decorations, and allowed myself to eat Nutella by the spoonful. I pet my dog, and laughed with my teens. I even sang alleluia at the sight of the first snowfall, as everyone knows, snow makes me happy.
Looming darkness is persistent.
I must admit, these moments of joy help, yet inside, it is still stormy. The light inside seems like it is fading, and I am reminded of my first breakdown not to long ago. The feeling of « I don’t care ». Not wanting to shower, not wanting to clean up, not caring about when I eat. To be honest, most of the time (this November) I want to sleep. It is the only thing that keeps me from going crazy.
Or is it?
My dreams are intense, and disturbed. The only time I get respite is from afternoon naps. I do not dream then, I rest. Restful rest.
I see him, black dog. Just sitting by my side like a familiar soldier. He has become a companion of sorts, just waiting for the moment when I give in. He is preying on my disappointments, my triggers, my unforgiveness. He lurks when I anger, when I despair, when I numb myself with food. He watches as I muffle my tears, hold it all in, and never release. He wants to take me for is own.
There is still a flicker
When days, like these November mornings, are full of anxiety. I remind myself of the flickering light of a small candle. If the fire inside me is not burning brightly, I still have a pilot light, and it will never go out. I will not let it. Too much fun to have up ahead!
Depression may grab hold, yet I will not give up.
I follow the glimmering spark I have left, and breathe in oxygen until a roaring fire appears. It may take a week, a month, or another year, however, as a good online friend of mine reminds me (she has Cancer) I AM NOT DONE YET!
I am not done yet.
I have plenty to keep me going. I am loved by so many and I have work to do.
I must continue sharing my experience. It only helps me, and I know it helps you. Many of you have told me.
This journey of mine is just at a short pit stop. Actually, it is just a stop sign, 3 seconds of pause.
The rest is full on path walking.. until I learn to fly.
NOTE: Many of us are affected by seasonal affective disorder (SAD). This time of year is a huge trigger for me. If you have the symptoms I have described above. Please consult your physician.