Depression – A Familiar Soldier

depression-black-dog-seductress

“Nothing can cure the soul but the senses, just as nothing can cure the senses but the soul.” 
― Oscar WildeThe Picture of Dorian Gray

It told me it was coming the night I closed my eyes, and began to drift off to sleep. In a dreamlike state, half sleeping, half awake, dark clouds everywhere, looming, floated into my mind. I could see them, grey, charcoal black,  on the front on storming into my life.

I shook myself awake.

I denied the vision, as all I wanted was to get some sleep. I made myself believe that it wasn’t happening, yet, the next morning, when I could barely get out of bed, all the feelings coming over me were all too familiar, however, I thought I could shoo them away with a bit of sunshine.

I took it upon myself to start drawing, happy, smiley, flowers. I made my favorite coffee, and took a walk with the dog. I put up some Christmas decorations, and allowed myself to eat Nutella by the spoonful. I pet my dog, and laughed with my teens. I even sang alleluia at the sight of the first snowfall, as everyone knows, snow makes me happy.

Looming darkness is persistent.

I must admit, these moments of joy help, yet inside, it is still stormy. The light inside seems like it is fading, and I am reminded of my first breakdown not to long ago. The feeling of « I don’t care ». Not wanting to shower, not wanting to clean up, not caring about when I eat. To be honest, most of the time (this November) I want to sleep. It is the only thing that keeps me from going crazy.

Or is it?

My dreams are intense, and disturbed. The only time I get respite is from afternoon naps. I do not dream then, I rest. Restful rest.

I see him, black dog. Just sitting by my side like a familiar soldier. He has become a companion of sorts, just waiting for the moment when I give in. He is preying on my disappointments, my triggers, my unforgiveness. He lurks when I anger, when I despair, when I numb myself with food. He watches as I muffle my tears, hold it all in, and never release. He wants to take me for is own.

There is still a flicker

When days, like these November mornings, are full of anxiety. I remind myself of the flickering light of a small candle. If the fire inside me is not burning brightly, I still have a pilot light, and it will never go out. I will not let it. Too much fun to have up ahead!

Depression may grab hold, yet I will not give up.

I follow the glimmering spark I have left, and breathe in oxygen until a roaring fire appears. It may take a week, a month, or another year, however, as a good online friend of mine reminds me (she has Cancer) I AM NOT DONE YET!

I am not done yet.

I have plenty to keep me going. I am loved by so many and I have work to do.

I must continue sharing my experience. It only helps me, and I know it helps you. Many of you have told me.

This journey of mine is just at a short pit stop. Actually, it is just a stop sign, 3 seconds of pause.

The rest is full on path walking.. until I learn to fly.

Blessings.

Also See:  Blinded By Sadness (Seasonal Affective Disorder)

NOTE:  Many of us are affected by seasonal affective disorder (SAD). This time of year is a huge trigger for me. If you have the symptoms I have described above. Please consult your physician. 

3 Comments

  1. Mireille St.Amour

    November 24, 2014 at 7:30 pm

    Dear Kimmy,

    Fall has always been hard on you given the personal tragedy that afflicted you so many years ago. The vivid memory of this pain maybe long gone but I believe the emotional scaring that took residence inside of you still lingers. Combine this with the lack of sunshine plus the visual keys that some of nature’s progenies are dying and no wonder you can feel somber and depressed. Keep your spirit up Kimmy – just like flowers, the beautiful colors of your personality will also come back and make you feel good inside soon enough.

    • Kim

      November 25, 2014 at 10:44 am

      OMG! Where did you come from out of the blue? 🙂

      Thank you so much for your kind words.
      You know me so well, yet we have not seen each other
      in over a decade.

      Thank you for being there.

      xoxox

      • Mireille St.Amour

        November 25, 2014 at 8:08 pm

        Hi Kimmy (is is till ok for me to call you that????)

        I found you while looking at LinkedIn. I was impressed with the quality of your blogs and comments. At first I just took it all in, but then I thought: Yes, of course,,,this is exactly what Kimmy should be doing. I remember back over 25 years ago when you helped me interpret my dreams. You’ve always been sensitive to peoples emotions and feelings as well as yours.

        I am happy that you found your voice via Social Media where you can reach out to folks who are experiencing similar life experiences and therefore share, grow, learn and teach (which ever is most applicable) each other. I remember way, way, way back (and I mean WAY back) you used to write a journal by writing down your thoughts on any blank page you could put your hands on! ( even a napkin would do! LOL). Writing your personal journal was the birth of your desire to write. I seem to remember an author that had a real impact on you when you were young: Anaïs Nin. She wrote everything about her world back in the early 60’s and here YOU are writing about yours in the 21st century.

        You bring back memories Kimmy……

        Mimi

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