Dating in The Digital Age 101 and My Mental Health

online-dating

“Never rearrange your life in order to meet Mr. Darcy half way. If he couldn’t see your worth at the moment you met then he won’t two years later. May the halls of Pemberly be filled with his regrets and your life filled with thankfulness because of this revelation.”
Shannon L. Alder

A few months ago, I decided it was time to start dating again. Although my agoraphobia often keeps me from going to far, I know have “rescue” friends on call if something were to happen, for instance: being kidnapped by a stranger, spilling wine all over myself,  or if I were to leap into a panic attack.

Going out with someone new, often brings up anxiety, however, it also brings up the excited, fun, and giddy teenager in me. Getting to know a man through messages, photos and texts, usually culminates into the first meeting. One that I had this past Wednesday.

His name is Michael, he is 6 feet tall, blondish brown hair, owns his own business and after texting for over 2 weeks, I found he had a great sense of humor and conducted himself online pretty gentlemanly”ish” (sex was not part of our conversations).  I thought to myself:

“Hey, I may have something here”.

So, on a date we went. It took me 2 hours to get ready.  I even picked out a new outfit, curled my hair, painted on the 53$ worth of makeup I has just bought, and combed my newly shaped eyebrows.

He picked me up, although an hour late due to a forgotten wallet, and misdirection, and we ended up at the restaurant I chose, which, for some reason, just happened to be closed.  Thus, driving a bit further, we opted for Jack Astor’s and landed in a nice booth that seemed to noisy for him, yet fun for me.

We talked, well, he talked. In the car, he talked… outside, he talked.. I listened to stories of his exes and children, and how well he raised them.

Once I got home, he said, we’ll text. I said “really? cool” (ya I know a bit childish) but I was, you got it, a bit “giddy”.

He left me with a platonic hug.

I texted him thank you the next day (because that is the considerate thing to do, I mean he did pay) and I was genuinely thankful.

…then complete utter silence…

That is when the mind goes.

Day 1:  “Oh, maybe he lost his phone”

Day 2: “Oh, I feel rejected, what a dummy, I should have seen it coming”

Day 3: “What a f@cking jerk!! I deserve better than a coward who cannot even say: “I’m just not that into you”…. Obviously he isn’t but heck. After 3 weeks for texting and telling our his stories, a girl deserves something no?

Questions and insecurity mounting within myself, I decided to write him a letter that I knew I would never send (although, trust me I debated all day, because the catty part of me wanted to “stick it to him!”)

This form of therapy helps me very much, and today I decided to post it here for all you women (or men) who are also trying to date in the digital age.  We deserve a thank you to, and a goodbye if need be. That is respect after all. So without no further ado… Here is the unsent letter to Mr Jerkface:

Happy Sunday Michael,
Since I have not heard from you since (practically) our lunch date. It is safe to assume that our friendship ends here. However, I had time to think about how our “date” « really » went. I must say,I enjoyed the conversation, the company, the ride in the car, playing with your radio, and  the day out.  I felt comfortable and I thought«Hey I could go out with this guy again». Yet, now that I had time to be objective, there are a few things, in case you decide to continue to date, I felt could have been more considerate on your part. So here is some unsolicited advice (something I usually don’t give for free).
1st Know that when a girl goes out with a guy, she gives a lot of thought on what she is going to wear, how she will present herself, thus, it may take an hour or two for her to get ready, just because she is meeting you. So, when you meet for the first time, maybe get out of your car and greet her, also, maybe find one thing about her that you like and give her a compliment. I mean, she did take the time to look nice just for you. (oh and if you get really creative, a small flower is always nice to receive).
 2nd For God’s sake! Don’t talk about your exes. Not on the first meeting. Not even on the next. Giving names and times a girl jumped you in a hotel is a total turn off. So, ya.. no! Instead ask your date about her dreams, her wants, what she does on her spare time. Does she like art? Movies? What is her favorite book…
3rd. When you leave her, at her house, give her a hug (like you did) and say « We’ll text » then text.
I must admit, I felt pretty duped, and a bit humiliated, when after the weekend goes by and not a word from you. I would prefer honesty from the start..(we did decide on no bullshit right?) hurts less, makes you wonder what I did wrong less..and well.. It is the gentlemanly thing to do. So ya, text her, tell her thanks but no thanks.
So, all in all, I wish you luck on your search for your new home and your life partner. In the mean time, listen to your heart.
Kim

 “If he’s not calling you, it’s because you are not on his mind. If he creates expectations for you, and then doesn’t follow through on little things, he will do same for big things. Be aware of this and realize that he’s okay with disappointing you. Don’t be with someone who doesn’t do what they say they’re going to do. If he’s choosing not to make a simple effort that would put you at ease and bring harmony to a recurring fight, then he doesn’t respect your feelings and needs. “Busy” is another word for “asshole.” “Asshole” is another word for the guy you’re dating. You deserve a fcking phone call.”
Greg Behrendt

1 Comment

  1. All I can say is you’re very brave for going on a date!! I honestly can’t even imagine how terrifying it must be!!! There’s “Plenty of Fish” in the sea so don’t give up! Mr. Right is on his way! xxx

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