The Day my Boyfriend Committed Suicide

you are not alone 1

“Did you really want to die?”
“No one commits suicide because they want to die.”
“Then why do they do it?”
“Because they want to stop the pain.” 
― Tiffanie DeBartolo

It may not be a well-known fact, however, a whopping 8% of adults with experience major depression at some time in their lives (source CMHA). This is not counting those undiagnosed, which includes people who do not recognize the signs, some of those on the streets, and more.

The lack of assistance (therapy, psychiatry, financial and other) in the field of mental-health is overwhelming. I know many (indirectly) who fell through the cracks due to lack of proper mental-health programs,  funding in the hospitals, and disability payments to the patient to be able to live a “normal” life.

Without the help needed, many get lost in the system, and end up giving up, thus, every 40 seconds, someone commits suicide. (source CMHA)

If one does not know their way around the red tape, or refuse to admit they have a problem, which is terribly difficult to do when one is boggled down with dark thoughts and silently screaming out for help, they can end up like my ex-boyfriend : dead.

We, as a society, must recognize the signs of suicide. My boyfriend Paul gave me some signs, yet I was too young to really see them.

What about the adults around him?

We were both 16 when I befriended Paul. He was a teen lost in the 60’s although it was 1983. Tall, and overly skinny, his golden locks looking just like Robert Plant’s picture on the t-shirt he was wearing on the day he caught my eye.

He was my boyfriend’s best friend, and to me,  he was the most appealing guy around. I wasn’t into the preppies. In the 80’s I wanted a guy with ‘wild’ written all over his face, thus; it didn’t take me long to dump the guy I was dating for 2 years, to hook up with Paul’s incredible allure and charm. He was Jim Morrison’s « mini me ». and I wanted to be his Pamela.

recklessdrivingMy life changed dramatically with Paul. Like a speeding car on a highway reckless, I became distant from my family, as I began myself, to embark into a world of (yes cliché) sex, drugs and rock and roll. Paul was an alcoholic, and he also loved his pot. I started experimenting myself, and found out drugs were not for me. To this day, I stick to a glass of wine now and then, and everyone knows, food, is my drug of choice.

As the years of late nights, rock shows,and drunken black outs on his part, rushed through like a speeding bullet. I ended up unhappy and  living with a man who felt unheard, unloved and unseen.  He wrote  dark, almost demon like poetry. Reading it always made me wonder “does he really believe in all this?”  Alas, I was too young at the time to really figure out that he was crying out for help.

After 2 years of turmoil, I had to put an end to our relationship. I couldn’t take coming home from the office, after an 8 hour day, to see him drinking a case of 24 on my bed. He did nothing all day and I was tired. We weren’t going to get married, or have children, and my spirit was dying by the minute.

We separated.

Not long after our break up, Paul started selling his possessions. His dream : To move to L.A and start a whole new life. He wanted to be free from all ties to society, declaring himself often as a marginal. His precious record collection, his favorite turn table and his stereo system, all gone. Sold to the man in the bright red cloak. The end was near. .

But I had not clue, but did I?

“I am troubled, immeasurably
by your eyes. 
I am struck by the feather
of your soft reply.
The sound of glass
speaks quick, disdain
and conceals
what your eyes fight
to explain.” 
― Jim MorrisonWilderness: The Lost Writings, Vol. 1

It was mid December, I was wiped  out after planning and executing the office Christmas party. I think I had 6 hours sleep in 3 days. 3 am  my doorbell rings, and I struggle to get out of bed to answer the door. It was Paul, he looked really sad, and had a letter in his hand, he begged me to read it.

I asked : « I am exhausted, can’t this wait until the morning »

He responded : « No, I NEED an answer now! »

So I forced myself up, sat at the edge of my bed, my body right beside him and read his letter. He wanted a 2nd chance. He promised me we would get married, and I could have my dream wedding outside, with all my friends and family,  in a field of daisies. He begged me to give him time to show me he loves me.

I said : « Can I give you an answer in tomorrow? I am half asleep and I can’t think straight? »

He replied : « NO!  Do you or don’t you want to spend the rest of your life with me? »

I sighed and said : « Right now, I want to say “maybe» however, since it is not an option, you give me no choice:  the answer has to be no »

He got up, took the letter, looked at me, said : « Have a nice life » and left out the door.

I feel right back to sleep. That is how tired I was.

Lost_in_my_dreams_by_YagaKThe next day, he killed himself. It was a Friday. I was at work trying to get ahold of him all day because my GUT SCREAMED he was going to kill himself (my intuition on alert), yet everyone at work told me not to worry, he was over reacting. He will be fine.

I never got any work done that day. No one knew where he went. I called his parents, his sisters, and his friends. All his father knew is that he left with a radio in hand.

He was far from fine…

He was preparing his deed. He was able to convince a Dr. to give him sleeping pills, and added some Nytol from the pharmacy. He had his beer, his cigarettes, and his hash. He was at La Siesta Motel, room no 5 : drinking, smoking, and taking sleeping pills.

He died in the bathtub, just like his idol Jim Morrison.

I was devastated and heartbroken. 5 days later, I received all his poetry in my mailbox. He planned to send it to me before he decided to take his life. Opening the envelope was like a slap in the face. I fell the the ground sobbing.

I blamed myself for over 10 years or more. I thought maybe I could have done something. I could have said yes instead of no. I could… I should.. I would..

ycare

I know today, there is nothing I could have done in 1987 when this happened, however, today, a few things I would consider are well defined in the picture above, and this article from Helpguide.org.

If you feel the need to end your life, don’t. It is not your life you want ended, it is the pain, and you can heal.  CALL NOW:

You are not alone.

Suicide is not cowardly it is the last cry for help.

It is a way out of the demonizing anguish.

Suicide Hotlines Canada

Suicide Hotlines US

Suicide Hotlines UK 

 

Also read : Secret Sorrows 

 

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24 Comments

  1. I was assuming that Depp was only in Pirates 3 because he had signed a contract, and had to fulfill his obatoliigns. Now he signs on to a fourth one? Dude, I love you, but you’re pissing me off here. You sucked in Pirates 3, almost as bad as the overall movie. Either sign on to a 21jumpstreet movie, or don’t do movies like this.

  2. WOW!! This just blew me away!!
    I also had a Boyfriend who committed suicide in 1987 he was 22 years old
    The circumstances going on around that time with him still haunt me to this day.

    • Kim

      July 16, 2016 at 8:28 pm

      I am so sorry the circumstances still haunt you. You went through, like me, a very traumatic experience. I hope you can find peace one day.

      Much love

      Kim

  3. My name is Janette. I met my boyfriend Sean 3 years ago and I can say we instantly caught a connection and fell in love! I left my car in Ohio for him to seek work while I lived in Atlanta Georgia for school at the time. For a year I sent money to him we talked daily on the phone, tangoing, and texting! He was SOOO handsome and every time We where together something would tell me it wouldn’t last! I yearned for him as much as he for me! I moved bak home to be with the man I thought was going to be my Husband<3 Yes we had problems sometimes it even got physical but I loved him so much he would smoke and drink nd I'll drink too and it wasn't healthy, ending in arguing but lustful nights! Eventually after 2 years I became fed up, I realized I deserved more and this couldn't be a healthy relationship. I told him I was ready to move back to ATL to continue with my dream of Dancing. He told me he was not leaving his family and I could leave if I wanted to. I was Soo disappointed and felt stupid for moving all the way back for him and he couldn't take that step for me! A week later I realized I missed my period. I went to the hospital BC I knew something wasn't right, my mom came up there BC she is a driver for veterans and had no more drives for the day. My mom nvr comes to the hospital with me for a normal check up so thinking back its kind of something! The Dr walked in after abt a 30 min wait I thought It was something life threatening BC the Dr never took that long, then he says it… I know why your have extreme nausea and horrible farts, Your Pregnant! I honestly was upset BC I knew My plan to continue with my dream was going to be put on hold but I couldn't believe I had a human being inside of me. I've never been pregnant before, not a miscarriage or abortion, after a while I thought I couldn't get pregnant! I told everyone the new because I knew I was keeping my baby! Sean said he'll be there whatever decision I chose! We moved in together, and then nothing changed we would still get in physical fights while I was pregnant. I had my healthy baby boy May 6,2015. He looks exactly like his father, My little bundle of joy! Though yet and still, the abuse continued, I nvr called the police BC I was so use to the outcomes. And everything would go back to normal. He was a GREAT DAD! He made sure the house was always cleaned food was cooked and Man was washed and fed! Aug 9 2015. Our baby was three months old. I woke up crying I was physically, emotionally,mentally ,& especially spiritually drained! He came in the room yelling about me oweing his sister in law 10 bucks and that he was going to take two cans of my sons milk to feed her daughter! Yes I owed her that money and so did he but he knew when I got paid the week after I was going to pay my half and his @ this point I was the only one bringing money in, I never mind Though maybe I did nag at time but I feel I had a right to, I told him I didn't mind him taking her one can but I was broke and could not afford to give 2 cans away! He held me down on our couch and eventually my butt was near my babies head. I pushed him off the best I could and told him this was it! He had to leave! The look in his eye was not him! It would be that same frantic look he would get when we got into physical altercations. Just blank and dark! He bust my lip,He grabbed my house keys my car keys my last 23 dollars, my main phone and my minute phone for emergencies, and broke our aprmnt door from slamming it while the bolt lock was out. Eventually I seen he left my main phone on the floor. I immediately called the police! The policeman told me words that I'll never forget You Can Do Bad All By Yourself. He picked up my keys where Seans mom told them he left them, across the street from a cemetery down the street from our apartment and walked more the 5 miles to his moms. I told him unless he got his life together as a man we could not be. He told me he was going to get a job and go to school and I would see the man he could be! I had to work 930-6pm Mon-Fri and had no money for daycare so I asked him to watch our son Thursday Aug 13 he agreed. That day he constantly called when I was at work I work at a call center so phones is a No! and all I could hear is my son crying hysterically! I had no gas in my car my caution light was on but some feeling told me to go get my son! When I got there he had that same look in his eye holding my son in the car seat staring at him! He asked me later on that day to take him to get his check the next day and I agreed. Aug 14 2015 I picked him up it was a smooth ride we talked but you could still feel the separation in the air. I dropped him off down the street from his moms house he told me to stay and That feeling came back and told me no It just didn't feel right. I told him to come with me so I could buy him some food for the night. He said it's not that I don't want to come with you, I just don't want to be here! And I thought he meant the street! He always told me stop sending him home it felt like hell. But I told him I didn't want to send him home I just could fight anymore and raise my son to seeing it like it's ok 🙁 He began texting and calling all night! I had over 100 Msgs all of them didn't come through until the next day! He sent me memes and pictures of us too! He told me to come pick him up and he'll marry me! All he wanted was his family. Again that feeling came back. It said strongly Janette he has to do this alone he has to become a man you cannot keep going back to the same situations. He told me he was going to kill someone. He said he loved me then he said fuck this fuck you I'm ending it! Then he said Don't bring my son to my funeral. He kept saying things like YOUR son when I referred to us as a family! He ws saying come get me a lot and then he said I can't wait to see your face in the rain so I can touch your soul. He said I can't wait to see your smile in the afterlife! I constantly told him I loved him and just get his life together so we can be a family and to read the bible and to pray BC he started to really scare me. At the moment I was numb and didn't realize the call for help in those msg. I brushed it off BC my sister told me he was overreacting and he'll be fine! I woke up to a missed call from his mom, and two cousins. I called his cousin and I had a eary feeling! He was going in circles and I said just let me know why we're on the phone, I wasn't trying to be rude but I just wanted to know that he was ok! Nobody ever explained what really happened, his mom won't talk to me about it. The people down the street told me he hung himself with a belt in his moms basement! I am full of emotions, anger, a feeling of betrayal and just out right disturbed! I pray all day because looking at my son it's like a punishment that I couldn't help him. I try to think positive and know I'm blessed with my son for a reason and that it's not my fault. Some blame me some comfort me but The pain I have I try my best to hide it! I'm Honestly Living For My Son!

    • Kim

      July 16, 2016 at 8:33 pm

      I am so sorry it took so long to respond, and really sorry you had to go through all of this.

      Please know that none of this is your fault. You did your best, and stayed strong for your son. Do not hesitate to ask for help in your community if you are having troubles coping.

      Sending you much comfort.

  4. I can not imagine. I had been in a relationship with my boyfriend for exactly a month (he commited suicide the day of our 1 month anniversary). According to many of his friends, he had said I was the best thing that ever happened to him. I thought the same of him. We never had problems, and in a month with him we was closer than any years-long relationship I was in. He always stressed to me that he loved me so much. He even told a friend the day before how much he loved me.
    He never said goodbye, left any notes, any signs; nothing.
    I hate that I think I was too good; that maybe he did this because he was afraid of me seeing the man he really was (I soon found he was a pathological liar, though he never cheated). I dont think Im the cause but I think Im the breaking point. Or he did this because he was lieing about loving me, too. I mean he did lie about his whole biography; family, made-up life tragedies, birth place, etc. But I knew he loved me because he showed me it in a million ways. I told him over and over again I loved him unconditionally. It is obvious he was mentally ill. Even though all this makes me feel anger and sadness I still love him and miss him like no one would know. I was lucky for the 1 month I got.
    I wish I would have gotten all these notes, but I found that either way around it hurts like hell.
    Thank you so much for sharing your story.

  5. Denise esquivel

    August 16, 2015 at 9:47 pm

    My boyfriend of almost 3 years killed himself last night. I can’t help but blame myself. We argued earlier that day. But I seemed to have cooled it down. We are in a long distance relationship so we were skyping at the time. I was planning on watching a movie with him. We looked through our pictures we took when we were together. And he seemed happy. I was crying and he was calling my name but I didn’t answer. I was silent. He said “I’ll be right back” but he never came back. He shot himself in the head. I heard everything. His sister crying yelling there’s blood everywhere. I blame myself. I should’ve answered him. I should’ve turned on my camera smile and tell him I love him. But its too late now. I dont ever see me getting over this. I loved him so much. It hurts like crazy and I wish it were me instead of him. I regret anything bad I did to him. I wish we didn’t fight that day. I wish I realized how much he loved me. I am so sorry Danny I will always love you.

    • Denise, this is not your fault and please don’t blame yourself because you two fought. Couples fight. That is the reality of a relationship.
      Danny taking his life was a personal choice for him. It wasn’t anything you said or did. You will never know how long he has been planning this or if it was just a spontaneous thing, but the one thing you must know is that you are not alone. My prayers are with you for daily strength to get through this one minute at a time.

    • Kim

      August 17, 2015 at 3:17 pm

      Denise,

      First, my deepest condolences go out to you, and Danny’s family.
      I have to say, when I first found out Paul killed himself, I blamed myself too.
      Even his father seemed to blame me for a little while.
      Yet, over the years. I learned that Paul was in so much pain, all his life.
      The signs were there, and he just wanted out of this world which was giving him so much hurt. Our breakup just added to the hurt, and eventually, he would have left this world on his own anyhow. It was just a matter of time.

      Be kind to yourself Denise. Seek out familly, a counselor, a pastor, some friends, a safe person you can talk to and grieve his loss.

      Take good care of you and again, I am sorry you had to witness such a traumatic event.

      Blessings.

      Kim

  6. I was sixteen whenmy boyfriend hung himself in his garage while calling me at 430 in themorning. I can’t get over the pain. No therapist helps, anti depression meds have stopped working. I cry all the time. It never stops hurting. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. It’s hard to even get out of bed most days. I always come back to William . I should have told him I loved him when he called. Now I’ll never be with him again

    • Kim

      April 3, 2015 at 7:59 am

      I am so sorry for your loss Crystabel. I know how difficult this is and the pain takes awhile to go away.

      I really hope you can heal from this, I have a feeling William would want you to life the life he didn’t get to live.

      The one thing I know that helped me through this is writing in my diary, and talking to someone safe. I know some seek grief counselling, in my case, it was a psychologist.

      If ever you need to talk, please reach out to the numbers I posted, or leave another comment. I would be happy to listen.

  7. It is so horrifying when someone commits suicide. I have had an ex-boyfriend and a cousin who did and you always feel like you should have known, but of course, you can’t. I am so sorry you had to have that experience. I’m also glad you had the courage to write about it. Hugs to you.

  8. Wow, Kim. I’m truly speechless. Just wanted to leave a note that says I really connected with this post and it touched me.

    • Kim

      September 11, 2014 at 9:38 am

      Rachael, I am honored you came in and read my blog.
      Telling this story was very freeing.

      One more step towards wellness.

  9. Heartbreaking, Kim. Thank you so much for having the courage to share this with us. <3

  10. Wow. What a powerfully moving, poignant, illuminating story. I’m so sorry this happened and that you have had to endure the pain and that Paul made this decision. How clear you are in sharing and sharing information and help and deep truth! You are strong and your power is in your story.

  11. I know someone right now who is afraid to leave her boyfriend because he has threatened to commit suicide. It is hard to reconcile one’s own need to be free with someone else’s threat. Thank you for sharing. You are one brave woman!

    • Kim

      September 11, 2014 at 9:41 am

      Probably one of the most challenging decisions I had to make in my life. My therapist said at the time: “you are lucky he didn’t take you down with him” Meaning, that if I had said yes, I could have ended up in a really dark place.

      She’s right!

      • Kim, I read what your therapist says and it fills my heart with Gratitude you have a very wise and compassionate therapist. Love and hugs to you. I am so glad this has made you feel a sense of freeing yourself.

  12. Sending love and healing light to your mind and heart, that is making great strides in recovering.

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