Boundaries Create Freedom

personal boundaries

“No boundary or barrier surrounds the heart of a person that loves their self and others.” 
― Shannon L. Alder

The more I practice the art of self-respect, the more I trust myself. With that, comes an undying love that is unwavering and strong. There was a time in my past, others could treat me in a way of their choosing, they could yell at me, call me nasty names, or the opposite, give me the silent treatment. They could use me, manipulate me, step all over me, and I thought « Hey I am strong! I can take it! »

A fiction of my imagination.

There were times when I fought back with full force.

« You are a jerk! »

« You are always screaming »

« You are so insensitve »

No matter how many times I told them what they were, I never told them how I felt, or how their behavior was affecting me. Then I grew up and began using I.

« I do not like it when you yell at me »

« I feel afraid when you call me names »

« I do not feel understood »

“It is necessary, and even vital, to set standards for your life and the people you allow in it.” 
― Mandy Hale,

I thought: “hey I got this right!” I am using the pronoun « I », I am not accusing anymore, this will work out over time.

But it didn’t always turn out that way.

Why? Because in their mind, it was still ok, and that my friends was when I knew it was time to cut the chords.

« We teach others how to treat us » A lesson I mastered over this past year, and something I am still practicing today. I learned to say : « Do not cross this line, or there will be a consequence »” The difficult part? Executing the consequence, in other words: doing what you say you are going to do. It is quite empowering to set limits with others even if it feels uncomfortable. Yet, once the limit set (for me the easier part) I found it challenging to follow through.

Yet, following through is one of the most self-loving things you can do.

The day I decided that no one is crossing « this » line, and followed with action is they did, was the day I earned their respect, and it was at that moment I learned self-respect. It may not always be easy, yet the results that ensue when someone actually learns not to cross a line of yours is astonishing. My relationship with my own children is richer, more loving and even more stable than just 2 years ago.

They wanted structure, and a mom they can trust. 

Setting limits not only taught loved ones how to treat me, these boundaries brought on a love for myself I never thought I had.

It shows me that I am worth it, that I value myself, my body and my spirit..

That, my friends, is a gift that keeps on giving.

Blessings

#40DaysOfSelfLove : Today, day 16, I continue to strengthen healthy boundaries with myself and those around me.

 

4 Comments

  1. This is so true. I find that because of my agoraphobia and anxiety that I have to depend on others and that has made me have to take some crap from people that I normally wouldn’t have taken. Did you have this problem and if so, how did you solve it? I have no family left at all, so I have to rely on friends (some of which I’m finding out aren’t really my friends!).

    • Kim

      July 17, 2014 at 11:59 am

      Oh I totally get you there Sheila! I just had this discussion with my therapist. She said “just because someone is kind and giving in you life, doesn’t mean you cannot set boundaries with them”

      Because in fact I do have this problem, and I must tell this person, in a respectful way, that “my parenting” is not a subject of discussion. I love this person very much, but there are things that are deal breakers. And my parenting is one of them.

      I have eliminated over the years friends who make me feel like I “owe them”. This is why, at this moment, I have 2 safe friends I can count on.

      I am sorry you have no family left, however, I am confident that over time you will create a new family of safe, understanding people who love you for YOU!!!

      Because you are sooooooo worth it.

      xoxox

      • Oh, Kim, thanks so much. I hope to find people like that, but it can be hard to meet them. I am so happy for you that you have two friends like that. I also thank you for your responses and help…you are an angel! A big hug to you.

  2. Oh, bless you, for this timely reminder!

    Ummm… forget the ‘timely’ bit. I need this reminder time and again!

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