A Room Of My Own

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“Each place is the right place–the place where I now am can be a sacred space. (3)” 
― Ravi Ravindra

My posts are coming in later, because I am falling asleep later, and waking up later.  I do not like this. I love to be up early in the morning, and enjoy the day as it comes, even if, at times, I get lonely or bored, this is just part of my healing. Not falling asleep at night is very new to me, and as I mentioned in one of my earlier posts, not sleeping makes me angry.

Very angry

So I thought maybe if I decluttered, it would help. Nope Or if I turned off devices long before sleep… nope Or if I put on some soft music… nope Or if I slept at the food of my bed, rather than the other way around… Nope.

I let my heart guide how I am really feeling. This is what I came up with.

There are things in my life at this moment, that didn’t bug me then, yet are taking a toll on me now. When I first arrived in this apartment, after an insanely toxic relationship, I felt lost, scared and I had to find a place for me and the kids —> FAST! After 3 months of searching, I came upon this place, but it only had 2 rooms. Needless to say, the kids being 12 and 14 then, I gave them each their own room and I set myself up in the living room. I realized only later,  this wasn’t the best set up, but it would do .. and it did. I was happy to be in my place, away from all the drama, the screaming the insults, the pain, and for most part, I am still very happy here. However, there is one thing I am longing for:

A space of my own

“I live in my own little world. But its ok, they know me here.” 
― Lauren Myracle

dream catcherMy room, is essentially the living room, which is also merged with the kitchen and dining area. A couple of years ago, Angela’s friend gave me a nice « asian style » partition, which really helped me set boundaries with my children. When it was up, they knew not to enter the space.

But wait! I want to watch a show! (they would say)

So, eventually I decided to put cable in my son’s room, since my daughter is not really a tv fan.

But wait! I want my friend’s to sleep over!

And they did, and they do, but must walk in my « space » to go to the bathroom, get a glass of water, a snack, or other things they think they need.

I do have limits. Friends do not sleep over every night, I tell them:  « Please get your snack and water now cause I am falling asleep » and « keep your voices down and shut the door ».

It is not enough anymore.

I am worth more.

I want a room.

A sanctuary … …

4 walls where I can comfortably seek calm,  when I need respite. I want to be grounded, and not on a top floor. I want a yard, a garden, and a place to sit out, where the green grass feels wonderful under my feet.. I am so grateful for this roof over my head. It housed my hate, my love, my guilt, my sadness, my frustration, my joy, my essence.. and did the same for my children. We have blossomed here more that any other place we lived in. Because we lived here, in our soft place to fall and made it sacred. It is time to move on..

I need more, and I want more, and I really do need to sleep. #40DaysOfSelfLove day 14 : I allow the Universe to guide my in finding my new home. A place to transition into the next phase of healing. I am open to receive, and willing to wait.

…sweet dreams in the meantime <3

#40DaysOfSelfLove:  Today I am open and willing to admit I need a change. Yet, I am also willing to wait until the time is right. 

Follow Mohini’s 40 Days of Self Love here ~~~> Day 14

 

2 Comments

  1. Ah! Kim…!

    Eventually, I… too!

  2. You really do need a room of your own…I so hope that something wonderful comes up for you. I can’t imagine how you’ve coped with the depression and anxiety without having a place to retreat to. A big hug to you.
    Have you read “Outrageous Openness: Letting the Divine Take the Lead” by Tosha Silver? It is a great book on letting the Universe do what’s right for you…I think you’d enjoy it…I did.

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