“Listen to the people who love you. Believe that they are worth living for even when you don’t believe it. Seek out the memories depression takes away and project them into the future. Be brave; be strong; take your pills. Exercise because it’s good for you even if every step weighs a thousand pounds. Eat when food itself disgusts you. Reason with yourself when you have lost your reason.” ― Andrew Solomon, The Noonday Demon: An Atlas of Depression
I have not written for a long while. Oh, I have a few posts that I never shared, yet they were not me. They were written without heart, or soul, almost robotically my fingers would type out drivel I was not publishing. These days, I’ve hardly moved from my apartment (besides a few exceptions) thus, the catch 22 feeling is back. I am lethargic, feeling heavy, and I must say, even taking the dog out lately is a huge chore. Not writing is a way for me to « hide out » and not let anyone know how I feel for fear of being judged. This in turn, makes my depression worse as I am living a lie, something I have not done in a very long time.
The truth! I feel terrible, more terrible than I have in a long time, and I don’t really feel like being alone (although alone is my comfort zone). I am irritable, teary eyed, and angry, and I tell my children « its not you, its me » more often than I want to. They hang on like troopers, getting : « mom, is sick and she needs our help. »
In this instance, my anxiety seems pretty much calmer, yet my feelings of sadness, melancholy, and loneliness are at its highest in a very long time. Speaking to my therapist last week, I told her how guilty I feel for having these feelings, since I am surrounded by an online community that supports me 100%. I have 2 friends (in real life) that I can count on, and my mom calls me every night a 7pm since I the day asked her 2 and a half years ago. (Thanks Mom) Yet, the tricks depression plays on a person are deceiving. This mental illness tries it’s darndest to block love from coming in by making one believe they are not worthy. I actually had to try to trick Mr. Depression, by finding a secret place to open up and let the love flow when needed. It is sometimes hard to open, like a lid on a jar of jam, tightened so tight, and held together with sticky sugar. I bang on it, twist it, and run it under hot water, and finally, I can breathe in the sweet love flowing to me, and take in as much as I can, secretly before « depression » finds out.
My guilt comes from my mind knowing that I am loved and supported, grateful for the cards, gifts and thoughtful messages to me, and my heart, my wounded teen’s heart, not registering these acts of love, to the fullest. Oh, I know and feel the love, yet I am not loving myself very much right now, and like a teenager who screams « why me? » I too, have these pity parties while lurking though the rough waters of my past.
I think one of the triggers was when I got the stomach flu. I realized, again, how I need to take care of myself because, there is no one around that will take care of me. My teenage self longs for that attention. She longs for protection, and wishes so deep down inside to be held and protected by someone strong and oh so loving.
Last week, I told my therapist :
« If I could violently vomit out my emotions, like I did when I was sick, what a relief I would feel! »
It is all bottled up inside you see. I am at the core of all cores. A place I shied away from, never wanting to take a look because, truthfully, it is scary!
My inner child/teen longs to hear « hold on, I got this, don’t you worry » She is looking for strength, because she feels herself slipping, grasping to hold on. Hear heart, still tender from the loss she felt growing up. Her trust shattered, yet her spirit still glows with the light of love she has banked over the years. This is the fuel for her soul, the food she needs to nourish herself until she feels, deep within her bones, the unconditional love which is surrounding her now.
The boxing Match
In the ring of fire, the id, the ego, and the superego seem to be fighting, thus, the 48-year-old woman is constantly in the middle trying to rationalize with them. No time outs for them as the id wants what it wants, and it is stamping its feet. The ego is wounded, and the superego, well is parenting (coaching) them both and calling KO when the time is right. Myself, feeling quite alone watching them duke it out, is just an observer of sorts. Taking notes on the healing that needs to be done, and working her way towards wellness.
Kim will win, not the rest of em’
“But he [Depression] just gives me that dark smile, settles into my favorite chair, puts his feet on my table and lights a cigar, filling the place with his awful smoke. Loneliness watches and sighs, then climbs into my bed and pulls the covers over himself, fully dressed, shoes and all. He’s going to make me sleep with him again tonight, I just know it.”
― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love
All that aside, the real world « finances, prom, graduations, sick kids, exams, and trying desperately to keep food on the table, is seemingly adding to the stress » I know for some of you this is « nomal » every day life, however, my mental illness (depression) sees these as mountains the size of Everest and my feet are shoeless… No way to even think about taking that first step up the mountain.
Slip sliding away.
Thank GOD my reflexes are good. Because despite all this, I seem to be able to move forward slightly and hang on. Ok, so sometimes I feel I am on a thousand foot ledge, and I am holding only by my pinky finger, but I am still there, and I manage to get up again.
I must say though, sometimes, when I look back, I say to myself, « why can’t I just close my eyes like I used to and not look at the pain? Being blind seems so much easier » Yet, it never really is. Blindness of spirit usually causes consequences of a lasting nature, and I am not willing to experience these anymore. Simplicity without the drama is my goal.
So, lets hang on together, and get this mental monster once and for all!
And let’s not lose sight of where we are going… let the love guide you as it is guiding me at this moment.