Retracing My Steps


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“A lonely day is God’s way of saying that he wants to spend some quality time with you.” 
― Criss Jami

You have somewhere to go, you are already a bit late leaving, so you hurry up, grab your stuff, make sure everything is locked up tight, and go. It is a gorgeous spring day, and you feel more alive than ever.Walking towards your destination, you notice how the trees are blooming with green leaves, and the daffodils on your neighbor’s lawn look great. Finally, we are going somewhere. We are out and have somewhere to go.

“It’s not forgetting that heals. It’s remembering.” 
― Amy GreeneBloodroot

Halfway to your destination, you notice you forgot the one thing you needed for your meeting. You get flustered because you are barely on time, yet you know « I had it right in my hands when I left. Darn it! I have to retrace my steps. I sure hope I can find it »

This is the best way I can describe how my depression is affecting me now. When I have a relapse, I always worry I am going backwards, only to realize that I needed to retrace my steps to find the one thing I have forgotten. I may have dropped it in 1987 when I first went to therapy. I may have not been able to handle it at the time.

No matter what the reason. I know, if I continue the work, and do my homework, I am not going back. I am having a relapse.

“If you desire healing,
let yourself fall ill
let yourself fall ill.” 
― Rumi

Relaspses are scary. They feel like the initial breakdown, but instead of being around all day, my relapse comes in spurts. I can be fine one in the afternoon, then struggling at night. One minute I am singing to the radio, and the next I am in a fog, not knowing where to go, how to start and everything like, brushing my hair, seems overwhelming.

Photo: Bonita Cook

Ever notice how your environment seems to reflect your emotions? Well last evening I took my dog out and noticed this really eerie fog rolling in around my side of town. Further down the road everything was clear, not even a mile away, yet, where I was standing I could hardly see across the street.

That is how this particular relapse is feeling. Like I am in a fog, yet everything else around me is clear, compared to 2 years ago when everything just thick dark clouds.

So, even though I am taking a few steps back to pick up whatever it was I casted away a few years ago, I can retrace my steps and bring forth what is necessary.

Here are some interesting facts I have found online on relapse :

-Major depressive disorder is one of the most common forms of psychopathology, one that will affect approximately one in six men and one in four women in their lifetimes (Kessler et al., 1994). It is also usually highly recurrent, with at least 50% of those who recover from a first episode of depression having one or more additional episodes in their lifetime, and about 80% of those with a history of two episodes having another recurrence (American Psychiatric Association, 2000; Kupfer, Frank, & Wamhoff, 1996; Post, 1992) Risk for recurrent depression

I do not think I have totally recovered from my first bout of depression, and it can be told, that I have been chronically depressed most of my life. There are things I am slowly doing differently, like adding excercise (more walking) and looking forward to slowly changing my eating habits.

All these things, along with my current therapy, medication, and tools I used to ease the transitions, will certainly benefit my long-term investment in myself.

Ooops.. I dropped something! Will go fetch it.

See you next week.

“The only person who can pull me down is myself, and I’m not going to let myself pull me down anymore.” 
― C. JoyBell C.

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  1. Your writing is so wonderfully evocative, and I can tell you are very self aware. You seem to have a really good grasp on what is ‘going wrong’ and are trying fervently to redress the balance and come back to a place of wellness. I wish you all the best in your journey. Thank you so much for sharing and for linking up in support of #MentalHealthAwarenessWeek2014
    Love Vicky
    Around and Upside Down

    • Kim

      May 18, 2014 at 11:10 am

      Thank you for the opportunity Vicky.

      I am always going to move forward, and backward, and forward again.. 🙂

  2. What a well written post, I think self awareness is such a fantastic thing. It is truly wonderful to be able to be aware enough to know that you must invest in yourself.

    Thanks for linking up with Vicky and myself for Mental Health Awareness Week.


    • Kim

      May 14, 2014 at 10:01 am

      Thanks for stopping by and reading.

      The more we speak up and out, the more we will finally eradicate the stigma!


  3. Kim

    April 18, 2014 at 6:47 pm

    Thanks Marie.

    Yes, I noticed that myself. Because of the clarity I am slowly receiving, I can describe how I feel much better.

    Hoping it will help those who feel depressed (or their loved ones) understand just a little bit more.

    Love you sista!

  4. Great post Kim! Exactly how I would describe it. You are finding the words more and more to describe what’s going on. I love your posts. Keep it up!

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