Ditching a HUGE False-Belief

Healing1

“I had great pity on Ansje, because she always acted very happy, but I believed that it was really a front. I could see through it. Inside she was crying because she was really very sad. You pity people like that — the ones who try to lie to themselves — because they suffer so much and don’t face reality.”
― Diet EmanThings We Couldn’t Say

  • It is time for me, to face more truth that I could ever imagine. It is time to face the dragon core.
  • I am a writer, and I should be writing.
  • I am an artist, and I should be drawing.
  • I am a photographer, and I should be taking pictures.

But instead, I am taking time to heal something quite raw and deep.

Yes, an artist can heal though art, yet, at this moment, my body is in neutral mode. Most days, I wake up after having a disturbing nightmares, and in sheer panic. I cannot seem to focus on anything else but just being. This my friends, is a very lonely time for me. Except for 2 people close to me who know exactly what’s been going down, I have to get through this part of my healing journey by really paying close attention to what I am thinking and doing, and if that means I sit and listen to quiet music while playing word games, well so be it!

The triggers are coming to me like horizontal snow during a storm.  I am not always shielded from what is right in front of me, so often I wake in so much panic. “I think am going crazy”: I told my close friend : “It feels at times, I am experiencing every mental illness in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. :PTSD, paranoia and anxiety. I am obsessive compulsive (I want everything put away right there and then, and I can’t for the life of me stand the same clutter that was there just the night before). One morning, I was having a such a severe panic attack, I thought there is no way anyone would ever want to spend time with me. How could they? I am up and down and all around.

hiding behind smile“People aren’t interested in the truth, Dafar. They’re interested in what keeps them safe. They’re interested in being looked after. They’re interested in a tale being spun… Mighty men have moments of great despair that common people do not want to know about.”
― Melina Marchetta,

Walking out of another safety net

“You are unlovable”

Unlovable, unwanted, misunderstood. Sound like a teenage crisis to me; however this, is the false belief I have lived with for over 40 years. For 40 years of my life, I felt (at times) very unlovable, very unwanted and very abandoned. So what did I do all those glorious years?  I self perpetuated those beliefs, and they just happened over and over and over again. I was abandoned and abused : emotionally, physically. Not only by allowing others to treat me in this way:

I did it to myself.

This is a big “AHA” moment

little-girl-putting-a-plaster-on-her-baby-dollNow, some may say (as my nagging negative voice inside my head nags) she is only admitting this so people will say they love her. However, this is exactly what is NOT going on. You see, my brain, my logical self, knows that I am loved, cherished, and yes, lovable, yet there is a little girl who doesn’t always feel that way. This little girl has traveled with me until today, she is oh so amazing, yet she doesn’t know it. It is my job, the 48-year-old woman, to show her : « You are loved, you are beautiful, you are perfect just the way you are. And yes, my sweet angel, I want to spend the rest of my life telling you this. »

No wonder I was waiting for prince charming all this time!

Yet, prince charming, although a companion for life would be “oh so wonderful”, is not my saviour. He is not to rescue me, because if he does, then I have to start this journey all over again and I am not willing to do that. I am willing to do the work it takes to heal the wound. No more band aids, no more polysporin, no more eating until I do not feel the pain anymore, just work. Hard, nail-biting, panic attack feeding, buckets of crying work! There will be a time where I wont even see a scar, and if I do, it will be a scar of honor.

Today, I am writing, soon I will be drawing again, and out there in the spring taking new pictures. In the meantime, I need to be patient, because this is the core of the core, a knot so tight it will take time to unravel. So as I am peeling my emotional onion on the road to recovery, please keep me in your prayers, as I am keeping you in mine.

Blessings.

 

Kim

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12 Comments

  1. Kim, you write what I feel. Your journey might never end but it sure keeps changing and forming new paths to travel. I really feel I’m right beside you, going through or following you. Lead me Kim. Here I come…

  2. I am in the same spot you are and it takes such courage to face this. I so admire your spirit…mine isn’t that strong yet. Just reading this helps to know I’m not alone. You will be in my thoughts and prayers…you will make it through to the other side. Much love and peace to you, Kim.

    • Kim

      March 19, 2014 at 9:00 am

      Thank you Sheila. We are not alone, we share this together. Our journey, our pain, our ups and downs.

      Keeping you in my prayers too. We got this!!! 🙂

  3. Kim!
    I love you!
    Whatever be the handle you have currently got hold of… is the one!
    Lovelove and thensomemore!
    ~
    Mohini

  4. You are so courageous! This is an amazing journey that you are on. I feel honored that you share it with us. loads of love and hugs xxx

  5. Kathie Sutherland

    March 18, 2014 at 10:48 am

    Kim you are one brave lady. I admire your willingness to root out the weeds and prepare the soil for love. Praying for love and peace in your heart.

  6. Kim I am so happy for you. This that you write about today is exactly what changed my life completely. You are doing exactly what needs to be done and when you are ready you will write, paint, take pictures and more… Sending lots of love and strength to you. May your path to healing be lit by the bright loving light of the divine. Love to you..

    Shauna

    • Kim

      March 19, 2014 at 9:04 am

      I can’t wait for the transformation, yet I am ready and willing to push through no matter how hard it gets. !!

      Thanks for the love.

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