“I had great pity on Ansje, because she always acted very happy, but I believed that it was really a front. I could see through it. Inside she was crying because she was really very sad. You pity people like that — the ones who try to lie to themselves — because they suffer so much and don’t face reality.”
― Diet Eman, Things We Couldn’t Say
- It is time for me, to face more truth that I could ever imagine. It is time to face the dragon core.
- I am a writer, and I should be writing.
- I am an artist, and I should be drawing.
- I am a photographer, and I should be taking pictures.
But instead, I am taking time to heal something quite raw and deep.
Yes, an artist can heal though art, yet, at this moment, my body is in neutral mode. Most days, I wake up after having a disturbing nightmares, and in sheer panic. I cannot seem to focus on anything else but just being. This my friends, is a very lonely time for me. Except for 2 people close to me who know exactly what’s been going down, I have to get through this part of my healing journey by really paying close attention to what I am thinking and doing, and if that means I sit and listen to quiet music while playing word games, well so be it!
The triggers are coming to me like horizontal snow during a storm. I am not always shielded from what is right in front of me, so often I wake in so much panic. “I think am going crazy”: I told my close friend : “It feels at times, I am experiencing every mental illness in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. :PTSD, paranoia and anxiety. I am obsessive compulsive (I want everything put away right there and then, and I can’t for the life of me stand the same clutter that was there just the night before). One morning, I was having a such a severe panic attack, I thought there is no way anyone would ever want to spend time with me. How could they? I am up and down and all around.
“People aren’t interested in the truth, Dafar. They’re interested in what keeps them safe. They’re interested in being looked after. They’re interested in a tale being spun… Mighty men have moments of great despair that common people do not want to know about.”
― Melina Marchetta,
Walking out of another safety net
“You are unlovable”
Unlovable, unwanted, misunderstood. Sound like a teenage crisis to me; however this, is the false belief I have lived with for over 40 years. For 40 years of my life, I felt (at times) very unlovable, very unwanted and very abandoned. So what did I do all those glorious years? I self perpetuated those beliefs, and they just happened over and over and over again. I was abandoned and abused : emotionally, physically. Not only by allowing others to treat me in this way:
I did it to myself.
This is a big “AHA” moment
Now, some may say (as my nagging negative voice inside my head nags) she is only admitting this so people will say they love her. However, this is exactly what is NOT going on. You see, my brain, my logical self, knows that I am loved, cherished, and yes, lovable, yet there is a little girl who doesn’t always feel that way. This little girl has traveled with me until today, she is oh so amazing, yet she doesn’t know it. It is my job, the 48-year-old woman, to show her : « You are loved, you are beautiful, you are perfect just the way you are. And yes, my sweet angel, I want to spend the rest of my life telling you this. »
No wonder I was waiting for prince charming all this time!
Yet, prince charming, although a companion for life would be “oh so wonderful”, is not my saviour. He is not to rescue me, because if he does, then I have to start this journey all over again and I am not willing to do that. I am willing to do the work it takes to heal the wound. No more band aids, no more polysporin, no more eating until I do not feel the pain anymore, just work. Hard, nail-biting, panic attack feeding, buckets of crying work! There will be a time where I wont even see a scar, and if I do, it will be a scar of honor.
Today, I am writing, soon I will be drawing again, and out there in the spring taking new pictures. In the meantime, I need to be patient, because this is the core of the core, a knot so tight it will take time to unravel. So as I am peeling my emotional onion on the road to recovery, please keep me in your prayers, as I am keeping you in mine.