(photo credit: unknown)
“The most important kind of freedom is to be what you really are. You trade in your reality for a role. You trade in your sense for an act. You give up your ability to feel, and in exchange, put on a mask. There can’t be any large-scale revolution until there’s a personal revolution, on an individual level. It’s got to happen inside first.”
― Jim Morrison
It certainly isn’t easy living with mental illness, although at times I see it as a gift, there are other times when I wish I could just pretend it isn’t there. These days, I tend to be swirling in my head, and it takes a lot of effort to even remind myself to feel and breathe, no longer wishing to go back to that numb feeling which entraps me in an almost catatonic state of feeling lost.
Then there is the guilt. The guilt of relapse, as if I did something wrong. I mean, unlike a recovering alcoholic who falls off the band wagon, I didn’t choose to take a «letsgetdepressed » pill. I am still in therapy, still working on healing, still moving forward. So why is my head starting to feel numb again? Why are my panic attacks creeping up on me? How come it is becoming a huge chore just to take a shower? So many whys when I never stopped moving towards Mental Wellness.
“I thought by masking the depression with silence, the feelings might disappear.”
― Sharon E. Rainey, Making a Pearl from the Grit of Life
The other day, in therapy, my therapist said after she asked me a few questions: « oh! I see the mask coming on, what is behind it? » This made me think about how the mask mysteriously appears when I am getting frustrated, or if I am not ready to talk about something. Usually, it pops on in anger, and lately, being truthful with myself has not been an easy task.
Because there is so much going on inside me, I do not know exactly where to look first!
I am the type of person who needs to deal with one thing at a time. Right now, what I am dealing with is accepting where I am at this moment. This is all I want to look at. Taking a break from visiting the past feels good to me. I know, in time, whatever needs to be healed will resurface, when I am spiritually ready to heal. Looking at the truthaches (Jeff Brown) feeling them and nurturing them takes clarity. My mind is boggled with so much bullshit.. it overwhelms me.
I need to sift through the clutter in order to see what is really there.
Even writing this post today is a challenge. I have hit the backspace more than once trying to remain clear and authentic with you and myself. There is nothing more annoying than a mask trying to get on my face. When depression starts playing tricks on you, well it reminds me of Jim Carry in his movie the Mask, however, the only person I am tricking in myself.
I really think the hardest part for me to accept is : One minute I am fine, smiling and joyful, the next I am in total darkness, then the next I am content, then the next I am in total confusion.
There doesn’t seem to be a balance lately.
I think that is the most truthful I have been in a long time.