The anxiety pops up most often lately when I am alone. Just before the kids left for school, I was ok. Then as soon as they left the feelings started coming up.. The fear, the heart pounding, the dissociation from my body, the wanting not to feel what is coming up for fear that I will lose control.
I take the time to breathe, and even take out my handy paper bag to breathe into. Sometimes I feel it works because it allows me to feel safe, knowing that the oxygen is getting to my brain cells and I am not going to pass out.
I decided to write at this time to let out my feelings, to distract me, and to remind myself that I am safe. Because truthfully, I am safe. There is nothing threatening me at this moment.. I have my dog with me, and the television whispering in the background.
I also decided to start getting dressed, this helps me with feeling part of the world.. like I am not going to disappear into the abyss of being alone. I know if I get dressed, the world on my end is getting dressed, and ready to start another wonderful day.
There is no rhyme or reason sometimes for the anxiety. Sometimes it is just a whole bunch of things piled up needing attention, and although I love the holidays and everything else associated with it, because of agoraphobia, I feel behind in getting out and buying gifts.
I can only do so much at a time. Shopping for an hour drains me of my days energy, and I need another day to recoup. I am hoping to get out today for another hour so I feel like I have done something..
You know what? If I could just make a list this year and give it to someone to do for me, I would. Maybe this is an option for me this year, or at least something to think about. However, I want to challenge myself to continue to go out daily, even if it is just around the block. Some agoraphobics do not get out for Months at a time, and I am trying to avoid this.
It is too isolating. It gets lonely here in my apartment, and the lack of movement is making my body a little bigger than I would want it to be… I have my tools and they are here to use, whether it is doodling, dancing, singing, or writing. I must continue to reach out, and surround myself every day with love and acceptance.
Lately, when I am walking around the apartment, I start dancing around, hoping to keep my body in a bit better shape than what it is in now. I make my children chuckle with my hip movements and jumping around. Humor, is a good deterrent for anxiety…. silliness helps put things into perspective.
So, I have to give myself credit, something I do not do enough of. I am still extremely hard on myself, and often refuse to accept my limitations. Just when I start to accept that I am house bound (at times).. my mind loves to play tricks and get myself upset at me! It is a cycle that goes round and round… I sometimes feel like a hamster on its wheel going absolutely nowhere.
Today, as I write this, I pulled ou my doodle book… I think I may bring out my inner child and draw a Christmas tree, just like I used to every Christmas season growing up.
Maybe, just maybe, presents will magically appear under it.. allowing me to feel presence.