I got caught up in the «fame», the recognition, the validation, the praise. The encouragement I was receiving was amazing, I honestly felt like I could be someone, because they told me so. Then, suddenly, everything ceased. Not the love I was receiving from the outside world, but the love I just started to give myself.
But only for a minute….
I tricked myself. It has nothing to do with the wonderful kudos I was receiving (I appreciate it very much) however, my beloved love for doodling erased itself as soon as I put my images online for sale. I sold 1 quite quickly, and as the weeks and months passed without a sale, drawing dwindled and the enjoyment faded… Nothing like a good dose of self-sabotage. I’m good at that.
The joy comes from doing..
When I started to draw, I was finding it quite enjoyable and it even reduced tremendously the amount of anxiety I was feeling. I loved the intricate details of my doodles, and coloring them brought me much peace. I, for once, was in the zone of self-love, and self-appreciation. So why give up?
Because I think I am not good enough that’s why!
I put myself out there confidant and loving my work, and I allow myself to stop drawing because no one is buying? Big mistake. Halloween is not even here and I managed to trick myself out of a treat.
Well no more.
The markers are back!
Part of healing, is also noticing the patterns. Giving up due to disappointment (and setting myself up for disappointment) has been an eternal practice of mine. I have killed many dreams that way, and instead of enjoying the process of my projects (and I do in the beginning) I allow my expectations to create kill joy in my art, my projects or my progress.
Noticing the behaviour is the beginning of the end…
Yesterday, after discussing this with my therapist, I decided I would pick up my doodle book again. Not long after I set the intention, a woman on Facebook commissioned 2 drawings. At first I was afraid of not fulfilling her desire. What if I can’t provide what she is looking for? What if she doesn’t like what I made? My inner critic was loud. I had to shut is up. Uncertainty is there, and I must embrace it, if I don’t I will never finish a project ever! She may not like it in the end, or she may LOVE it. What I am going to do is draw and doodle with love and joy.
In the end, the process was there, and my heart and spirit’s happiness will suffice.