Do you ever feel like you are drowning when too many obstacles get it the way? Or when your “to-do” list piles up, do you ever feel overwhelmed? When too many things are happening at once, and the world seems to start spinning faster and faster, I tend to want to throw in the towel, stick my body under a blanket, and wish to God some pretty fairy would come and make things easier. When one lives with a mental illness, the feeling of overwhelm can show up at any time, even in front of a pile of dishes, which normally is an easy task.
Stop the world I want to get off!
I have never contemplated suicide, yet I have wanted (in the past) to get off the bandwagon and just sleep until all is well, and I am cured from this, at times, debilitating disease. Feelings of anxiety, panic and hopelessness always make me want to run away from whatever it is I am experiencing, as if, like the Roadrunner leaving a poof of smoke behind, I could do that with my emotions: run so fast they detach themselves from me.
Today is one of those days. I am done with my mental illness and I want more out of life that just waking up and watching the world from my trusty balcony.
Realistic? Not a chance!
I wrote often about “accepting my limitations” just like anyone else going through a debilitating injury or pain, not easy to do, yet doable. However, there are days when I want to give myself a pity party! Yep, just feel sorry for myself for a little while until I realize how silly I am and just continue with my life.
Pity parties are ok… as long as they are not long-lasting.
We are all children at heart aren’t we? And sometimes we love to play with bubbles, color and run around naked in the house (ok maybe not that but..) and there are times it is not all about playtime, it is about “getting what we want when we want it!”
Just the other day, I heard my 16-year-old daughter scream because “Hey, she WANTED it NOW!!” Well I, like a 2-year old, want everything to be over immediately and I want to be well again, normal again, go out free again, be rich again, never to worry again… (well I do not think I have lived a week without worrying but that is another thing I am working on).
The point is, we must allow ourselves to accept our limitations, our pain and worry, but there are times when we have to pull a tantrum! Let it all out like a 3-year-old screaming for the latest pet shop toy. I know for me, if I don’t, the panic gets worse and I may end up in a 3 day “bed in” in my house.
This week, a lot is happening, actually the past two weeks have overwhelmed me. So today, as I go through the day, I may just hit a pillow or two, stamp my feet and yell at the Universe (which I did a bit yesterday). Sometimes The Universe needs a little “shaking up”.
Yesterday, was my “pity” day, today is “let it all out day”.
That way, I can continue to move forward loving and caring for myself like never before. Love is the key, self-compassion goes with it, and all shall be well.
Until the next time.. and that’s ok!!
“Only a teaspoon of self-pity, girl. Every day give yourself a teaspoonful, but only a teaspoonful. Fill it up full, but only once! Don’t let yourself have more. You can’t live off it. But just a bit of it is like a tonic.” ― Breena Clarke, River, Cross My Heart