“Perhaps we can recognize our way out of patterns rather than repeating our way out of them.”
― Patti Digh, Life Is a Verb: 37 Days to Wake Up, Be Mindful, and Live Intentionally
Have you ever looked back on your life and finally realized you were spending too much time trying to put a round peg in a square hole. That every time you forced it (the peg) it would break, or change the size of the hole, and how frustrating it is to never ever find what you are looking for… ? Well, ya, that was me, for 27 years of my life. Wasted time? Well it seems that way, yet in reality, it is a time to learn and experience life in all its glory!
Sometimes it fits, sometimes it doesn’t
I am in therapy and one of the biggest things I have worked on is breaking patterns, and finding the right space for that peg. Family patterns have been the most challenging so far… Why? Well, because I love my family.
Have you ever played Perfection? You know the game where you have a certain amount of time to put the right shapes in its proper hole? Remember the frustration when the seconds where up, and frantically you are searching for the right spot… before the thing POPPED UP and scared the crap out of you? (well it did for me anyhow haha).
This is how I felt most of my life when it came to finding where I fit in my family.
Fixing and protecting people was “my thing”! I imagined, then, that if I could just make everyone happy around me, my life would be better. So taking the time to “fix” and ease people’s worries, made them happy (in my mind).
In fact, it was the opposite.
Cutting my link to the family chain doesn’t mean I do not love, care for, or understand certain members of my kin. Stepping down from a self-imposed role (the in between “star” if you must know) allowed me to see that in truth, there is no mold, there is only me.
This week, I experienced a little set back. I will not go into all the details, however, just say I got scared and started behaving like I did years ago. I became the protector, and I feared telling this person how angry I really was… I just shut up, listened to what they had to say, and hung up the phone raging mad!
You see, a member of my family, trusted another member to give me something I absolutely needed that day. It took all my energy just to ask for what I needed, let alone find out I am never going to receive it. Person A asked me to lie to person B so person A will not get “scolded”.
I felt betrayed, but more importantly I felt “stupid” for even considering (after a conversation) lying to someone to protect someone else. I hate lying! I can’t even lie without anxiety, or feeling like I have to hide in the cave of shame.
Anyone who truly knows me … knows NEVER to ask me to lie for them.. EVER.
This person obviously doesn’t know me, yet person A knows the words to speak and the buttons to press in order for me to start believing his/her truth.
I am hurt…. I allowed myself to be manipulated once again…
Later on, I began thinking “What am I going to do?”. I thought about the many conversations I had with my therapist on this very subject, and she would say:
“Speak the truth, and let the person who hurt you know how you really feel”!
I just couldn’t do that this time. I cowered and I disappointed myself.
In the end, when person B, who gave person A the “thing” for me, asked me if I received it, I got all sweaty, nervous, and terrified but I told the truth.
“No, I didn’t get it, sorry, it’s gone, it seems the “other” needed it more than me”
DID I REALLY DO THAT?
I feel like I betrayed someone, yet in fact, not saying anything was betraying myself and I am more important. Telling the whole story, my truth, and stepping away from this “role” I have played since my teens, is allowing others to take responsibility for themselves.
It is not my place anymore.
My next step, is to tell person A how I really feel, and this may just open a whole “lottacanofworms”.
I am not up to worms today… just thinking about worms makes my gag reflex spurt into power drive.
Eventually the truth will come out, but now, I think I may just ask the Universe to help me forgive, and enjoy my day cleaning up for my mom’s visit, and the return of my son from camp.
I know it won”t blow away.. but I can give myself time to think about what I am going to say.