“Even for me life had its gleams of sunshine.”
― Charlotte Brontë, Jane Eyre
I never ceases to amaze me how complex the relationship between our minds and our bodies are. Even more so, how we can be experiencing something very emotional, yet only our subconscious is picking it up. So we feel anxious and don’t know why, or a back ache ensues, nightmares start flaring, and moodiness explodes like firecrackers..
Oh the mystery of it all…
How is it that one day we can feel “on top of the world” and the next the thought of crawling under 10 blankets and never peeking out seems enticing. What makes our heart beat really fast, when just a minute ago peacefulness was the flavor of the day?
These are the questions I’ve asked myself since I started therapy a year and a half ago… and just when I start getting comfortable with knowing there will be ups and downs, back and forths, and roller coaster rides, someone says something that triggers the “doubt” that I am actually healing at all.
It is love that drives them..
Please note, that more often than not, when someone says something to me which triggers any sort of self-doubt, usually it is coming from a loving place…. no malice intended. Many of us (including me) have this “need” to fix people. I am working on this because I KNOW it doesn’t work. It could be words, a picture or a quote sent in kindness, or even a simple facial expression.
“He knows bad days. Bad days take him completely by surprise. They make him not trust the good days because it’s likely something is lurking twenty-four hours away.”
― Melina Marchetta, The Piper’s Son
It’s all good.. yet, behold!
Let me explain. Take, for example, last weekend. I went out with my friends (see post here) and had an amazing time. No anxiety, no panic, no depression. Then, after telling the story to my loved ones, one of them said “Does that mean you are cured?” with hope and excitement in their eyes. How do I NOT disappoint them? (I am putting pressure on myself) I just looked at my loved one and said: “It is a step in the right direction”. The expression on this persons face went from happy to kinda disappointed. They want me to be well!! I get that and I love the feeling of being loved, however, these statements, eventually go into this “youarenevergoingtogetbetter” account and for some reason there is an automatic withdrawal when there are too many.
Panic panic panic
I am on the road to recovery. However, I still have trouble going on long walks, and panic is still there (I got a dose this morning). What I really want to say to those who love me so much is
“Hey, I am getting better, but there will be good days, and there will be bad days, and there will be “in the middle days” and hopefully as the year progresses in therapy, there will be more good days than bad.”
“I want to set the stage for those who really care.”
Making it easier on them, makes it easier on me.
So I must say how I feel when the words “Hey, all you have to do to get better is…… ” “Wow you are cured” …
Dear loved ones and amazing friends.
I feel so loved and appreciated by you. Your support during this past year has touched me very deeply! Know I am working hard with my therapist to get better. I have goals, and I may not tell you all of them. I have plans, and dreams and wants.
I have tools I use when the panic and anxiety gets really strong, and you know what? NOW I can ask for help without guilt. If ever I need something, I will ask you for it. It could be a hug, a trip to the store, or just an ear to listen. Yet, please know, when I tell you my stories, you do not have to fix whatever it is I am telling you. If I need your advice, I will gladly ask, sometimes, I just need someone to talk to… feel safe and let things out.
I love you so much, that I hate to see disappointment in your eyes. If I seem to be going backwards, KNOW that I am not! There will be hills and mountains to climb, and valleys to visit… I still haven’t had my last panic attack, but the more I listen to my inner voice, and care for who I am, body, mind and soul, the more good days I have without the anxiety.
I have a great “team” around me, including you.
Be well and enjoy your life.
I am going to be OK!! In the next year or so, you will see me blossom even more. Trust me.
It is day 34 in my Self-Love Challenge, and I think this letter is quite loving. It allows me to express my true feelings, and tell those who care about me and support me through this really dark time (which is getting much lighter) thank you. Thank you … thank you.