“Now I am going to reveal to you something which is very pure, a totally white thought. It is always in my heart; it blooms at each of my steps… The Dance is love, it is only love, it alone, and that is enough… I, then, it is amorously that I dance: to poems, to music but now I would like to no longer dance to anything but the rhythm of my soul.” ~Isadora Duncan
I don’t know why, but the past couple of mornings I’ve been waking up fine, but around 9:30ish anxiety starts mounting, and I sweat. It usually lasts about an hour or so, but wonder what is it? My hormones? The yucky heat and humidity outside (we do have A/C) or just adapting to my new self-love ways.
My friend Tracie Nichols, who introduced me to this 40 day challenge made me think yesterday. She writes in her latest post Self-Love Whiplash :
“….part of that experience is change whiplash. Two steps forward, one step back. It’s our own wisdom taking a beat to 1) be sure that this change we’re making is in our best interests and 2) let the rest of our self catch up and catch the new rhythm.”
What an amazing statement!
It is true, although this self-love train is on its way to Kimazingville, there will be moments in time when I don’t feel like I want to conquer the world. My anxiety still exists, and finding ways to be willing to accept its visits is change in itself.
Before, I would fight anxiety tooth and nail! Screaming “WHY ME?’ and “Will I ever feel normal again?” Since the challenge (and a bit before) I look at it as “in passing” and if it doesn’t pass, I do everything in my power to make myself comfortable. Just like one would if they had a headache, or an ailment of some kind. Treat it, and let time take its toll, as long as I do not peg it as a set back.
I must give myself credit.
I mean, I did have a few more social experiences this past week than I am used to. I went out Saturday Night for the first time in a year or more (see post here), and I visited a friend yesterday. I walked around her garden of flowers, and listened as she named all the new ones that just bloomed. Her knowledge is amazing, her passion for gardening is infectious, and since I love flowers so much, I took tons of pictures.
.…however, my daily walks are still a challenge as I still cannot go very far.
My therapist said to me at the beginning of summer: “Don’t push too hard, yet stay with the baby steps”. She’s right, Saturday was not pushing “too hard” it was me listening to my inner voice saying “Ya go, I feel this is right”… however, if I push myself, lets say, beyond my boundaries (like walking an extra block because I think I should) is not a good idea. Most often when I push, instead of listening to my gut feeling, I end up with a panic attack half way home. This in turn defeats the purpose of my attempts to go out, the more positive experiences I have, the more I will trust going out. Yet, if I go into a frenzy, I feel I start back at square one.. homebound.
After thinking more about Tracie’s post, I realized the morning anxiety I feel, is the “rest of me catching up” with the changes I am making. The more I follow the beat of my inner drum, the more comfortable and trusting I will become. Tracie’s post really made me think about going with the flow, and I thank her for the inspiration.
Today, day 33 (only 7 days left in this challenge) I am going to listen to the beat of my spirit, take it easy, go to my therapy session, and….
I may just ask the FrootLoops to make dinner tonight. Ya..
“To live is to be musical, starting with the blood dancing in your veins. Everything living has a rhythm. Do you feel your music?”
― Michael Jackson