Yesterday, I wrote about taking risks, speaking my truth, and allowing myself to be exactly where I am in my limitations. I was about to embark on a journey of allowing myself to be social again, meeting up with friends I have not seen in 30 years.
Initially, the plan was they would come here, visit, go out to dinner (I would stay home) and then they would come back for coffee and dessert. I was really happy with this plan, it suited me fine, but as I started getting ready, something inside tickled my magical “going out” bone, and the thought of going out began to appeal to me.
At first, I was thinking about money, and how much it would cost for me to dine out. Then I worried about what I would wear, and then as I remembered my friend Gertrude gave me a brand new red dress about a month ago, I thought “hmmmmmmmmmm”. I mean, when was the last time I wore red? So bold, daring and passionate… and what if I look really fat in that dress? As I allowed the negatives to pass by like fluffy clouds in the sky, I quickly blew them off, walked to the bathroom and tried on the dress!
I amazed myself. I am not one to brag, yet, I totally saw myself with different eyes. I was no longer the disheveled, pale, sad, and worried woman I used to be, I was glowing, vibrant and beautiful. I took long looks, and discovered the self-loathing… is dissapearing like a old fading photograph.
I am transforming, I am becoming, I am beloved.
As I waited for my friends to arrive, the little voice became a loud and insisting voice.
“Go, I promise you it is going to be great! Go.. Go to dinner!”
Again, I thought about the cost, yet the urge now to go (all dressed up with makeup on) was strong, I convinced myself eating out was not making my family go “without” actually, going out, will change everything! My children have been “URGING” me to get out there and have fun! (so a couple of days of cereal is worth it) Money was just an excuse my anxiety was giving me… All shall be well!
As soon as I opened the door, I felt the love of their familiar faces. It was as if we met after a short break, not 30 whole years. We’ve aged, yet we are exactly the same.. even: better, wiser, and much more beautiful. Gibson (my pup) greeted them all, and we sat on the floor of my living room reconnecting. This is when I announced to them I was GOING! YAY!
A ride in a Volkswagon convertible.
Better than a ride at the amusement park, is a ride in a Beetle with the top down! I wanted to scream and did wave my hands up in the air like on a roller coaster. Our hair was flying everywhere, and as Mary said: “I feel like we are 16 again!”.
I was free.. we were free to just enjoy the night, the present moment like the young women we are.
I truly felt safe… allowing myself to trust again.. it felt like a miracle in the making.
I must say, changing my mind, listening to my inner self, feeling pretty, looking at myself differently in the mirror, being bold enough to wear red, having a plan, speaking my truth, are all the tools I have written about in the past 30 days!
A challenge that changes a life!! Go figure!
There are 10 days left in this challenge, knowing it is slowly coming to an end makes me a little sad, yet I know in doing this every day: setting intentions, and changing a few things; is absolutely something I do not want to give up.
I may stop writing about it daily, yet, doing it will be with me forever… one day, I truly believe, self-love will be natural, not something I have to think about, mastering it is the plan!
P.S. I want to thank Mary, Alisa and Shirley, for coming, and being the wonderful women they are. I realized yesterday, we all have our journeys, our joys, our pains, our successes, yet in the end, even though we wear our scars with honors, we have lived, loved and laughed, and were able to reconnect with something that initially remains the same: Who we truly are! Lets do this again!
“True friends are always together in spirit. (Anne Shirley)”
― L.M. Montgomery, Anne of Green Gables
Read my beloved Mohini’s transformation journey here. She is really rocking the self-love boat!