“We can never go back again, that much is certain. The past is still close to us. The things we have tried to forget and put behind us would stir again, and that sense of fear, of furtive unrest, struggling at length to blind unreasoning panic – now mercifully stilled, thank God – might in some manner unforeseen become a living companion as it had before.”
― Daphne du Maurier, Rebecca
I am rusty, I have not blogged in a couple of weeks. My mom was visiting an I took a semi break from the internet. I wanted to be present with my mom, since I had not seen her all winter. I longed for her company, because I am often alone, and we both get along very well.
She took care of me, like a mom often does, and I would like to think I took care of her too. We worked together, although she did most of the work… It was a time for me to have the weight of the world off my shoulders. Having mom here, buying us healthy groceries, not having to worry about where the next meal was coming from, and just knowing she had my back, was a feeling I had not felt in a long while.
We had a stress free week… I could see in the eyes of my children they felt my mom’s presence too. My son observed that my panic attacks were almost non-existent the time of my mom’s visit, and he could go to school with ease and no worries. I could walk straight without holding onto something, as my mornings were occupied with my mom’s beautiful smile. Having my mom here for a week was a gift. A gift to the whole family.
You see, sometimes, I feel like the dandelion in the picture above. There are days I am born a well rooted yellow dandelion (you know the ones hard to pull out), then other days, I feel I am about to fly away into little pieces with the slightest whiff of a breeze. It feels almost like I am floating, lifting off as if there was no gravity but I have no clue where I am going. It is the weirdest feeling. When this happens, I return my consciousness to my feet, and think of the gravity of the moon pulling me back down to the ground. Once I am rooted, I can continue on my way.
It is a balancing act!
I must say, even though it doesn’t seem that way to sometimes, therapy is going really well. The reason all this anxiety and uncomfortable feelings are emerging, is because I am bringing them up from the abyss of my past. Then, I am breathing into these feelings, allowing everything to well up inside, and the aliveness I feel can be great or very uncomfortable. The difference now (compared to when I was not in therapy), is that I am dealing with these issues by giving them a voice, and space to exist, which in the past, I would tuck gently into a jar, cap the lid, and ignore. After awhile, there is just so much that jar can handle, and the slightest pressure can… well you know:
I often read quotes about “leaving the past behind” “living only for today” and all those wise people who spoke these wonderful words are right, yet, putting them into practice is a different story. For me, as I said above, you would think giving my “past” space is allowing it to take over my life. Au contraire, giving an issue or an event space to me is allowing it to exist, letting the feelings emerge, thus breathing them in order for the past to heal. Then, and only then, can my past become a distant memory with no pain attached to it. Forgiveness!
Back to mom:
It was important my mom be here last week. It gave room for the cracks between the spaces of my past to breathe. I was able to relax my body enough that healing really did take place. I can see the difference in me today. What I am working on now, is allowing these little fissures to expand, while at the same time feeling safe, even when mom is not around.. this my friend takes practice,
…..and practice I will.