It is so complicated when the soul is involved, to imagine letting go, but letting go we must, or perhaps, better to think of it as a kind of letting through, letting the pain through the holes it leaves behind so it can find its ultimate destination. With the pain gone, the heart can now open to the next stage on its journey through time(less). To let go is to let grow… ~ Jeff Brown
Picture this: You are climbing up a mountain, and you are so so close to the top, but something happens underfoot, and you slip. Your quick reflexes allow you to grab onto the first branch you see, and you hang on for dear life. If you let go, you fall to your death, a million feet below. Luckily you are very close to your destination, and 11 of your friends are there lending you a hand, but you are scared to let go and reach… What if you slip again? What if you fall? What if they don’t grab your hand in time?
Reaching out is scary, but your will to live is stronger than your fear. So with a prayer of protection, and a deep breath, you reach out as far as you can, and your friend yells “GOT YA!” Your friends quickly make a chain, and begin to haul you up, you surrender, and push with all your might to help them help you.
I have slipped, not because I am not continuing my treatment, and the “why” is not important, what is important is to acknowledge.. “You know what? I am not doing so hot! It is nobody’s fault, not even mine, it just is”.
Every morning I grab my branch and hang on for dear life. I hang on because my inner child is up there extending her hand, with my family, my friends and my important online friends. Everyone, in their own way, has given me their hand, and I have taken it… but to tell you the truth.. to reach out is terrifying.. then to let myself be helped is scary too.
I’m afraid of the “I want to fix you people” or the “Hey, just snap out of it people” yet, I am sure I put them out of my life already. What is left is “Hey, I hear you and see you and I am praying for you people” and the “here is some groceries.. this will tide you over until your next pay people”, and the “We got your back people” I am GRATEFUL for these compassionate lovers of life. They make me feel safe.
Some people I reached out to asked me: “Be straight with me… are you suicidal?” The answer is no! However… (yes there is a however)… There are days where the pain is so bad or so uncomfortable I want to go to sleep for a very long time and wake up when it is all over! I still have things I want to do this life. I have plenty of dreams unfolding. I have passion, and I still laugh, and cry tears of joy among the sadness and pain.
It is not black or white… vanilla or chocolate, its more like grayish blues and cinnamon toast crunch! It is a mixture of emotions I am learning to deal with. They must exist in order for them to heal, and I am giving them all the space I can handle. When I can’t handle them anymore, I shut down. Shutting down to me, is like holding onto that branch so tight no one can reach me. I am there clenching my fists on the branch until my hands hurt.. my eyes are shut so I do not see the depth below me, and I pray long and hard!
Depression likes to play tricks with your mind. Things like “I know everyone is tired of trying to help me” “I bet they think I am crazy” or “Everyone is going to think you are a burden”… TRAP! Bad nasty trap this is. If I allow these thoughts to run my life.. they will keep my in the fetal position, never to ask a anyone for help again. I am glad “my gut” knows these not to be true. However, at one time I did think they were true. The trick here is to allow the thoughts to roam like passing clouds. They will pass and they are not real.
Once my mind starts playing tricks on me. I tell my inner child that all is going to be ok, open my eyes, and speak. First I told my therapist my true true feelings.. Then my mom, then my kids and then a friend. Letting go of the “nightmare” of what I have felt this past two weeks didn’t cure me, however, it allowed me to give my pain space outside my head. I chose people I know I can trust, and who needed to know.
Telling my children was hard, yet I need them to know that “mom is NOT always ok” but mom is followed by dr’s and therapists and we are going to make this work. Mom has friends, and yes, sometimes, I am going to need your help kiddos!!
This is not the first time I have climbed a mountain, just to walk down proudly that I made it. Sometimes I do not slip, and arrive safe and sound, but this time, I need help, and I am getting it. If you see me hanging, just wave, I will surely grab hold of something soon!
Love you all