“To venture causes anxiety, but not to venture is to lose one’s self…. And to venture in the highest is precisely to be conscious of one’s self.”
― Søren Kierkegaard
When I left out on my own, a year and a half ago, a very good friend of mine said: “Think of this as a new adventure!” I really wanted to believe her, however, with all the uncertainties ahead, how could I look at this as a trip that will bring me much joy?I mean, that is what adventure means right? Joyful experiences all wrapped up with mystery and awe? And I was about to be on my own, single mommy’ing’ it again. Low income, nobody to lean-to… The only thought the roamed in my head, at the time was: “You are going to be ALL alone AGAIN”!
The treasure cove of uncertainty…
“You are NOT alone Kim” they would say. I heard the words, but I didn’t always believe them. “Do you see anyone next to me? NO” I would cry to myself, and cry I did, many many hours of tears streaming down my face. I was alone with myself. I couldn’t handle it (I wrote about this here)
This adventure I was embarking on felt cold, and yucky. I scoffed at everyone who had family gatherings, parties to go to, and wine with friends. I was jealous of them. I wanted that too!
What I thought I wanted, was not what I needed for this adventure. Going to public gatherings was the last thing I needed, I tried, but to no avail. I really did need this journey to be mine. ALL MINE. And so began the journey of a lifetime.
I set out to do one thing last year (around this time when I took the Dancing with Diana moon class with Jennifer Shelton which begins anew April 8th and there is still time to register). I had no clue what the vision board I created last April meant, however, looking at it today, after a full year, I totally get my adventure now. Last year was about healing, but more importantly, last year was about building a support circle.. this to heal. Looking at my board now (see photo right), what stands out are the words I cut and pasted there: Reclaim your space, and New Year, New You.
“In wisdom gathered over time I have found that every experience is a form of exploration.”
― Ansel Adams
This past year, I spent a lot of time alone, cocooning (read post here) and making my space my own. I have opened up to love, and began asking for help (read my post Depressed, Need Help. The Magic of Asking) I also made some really good friends along the way! My vision board shows this by the pictures of women enjoying coffee together, and my the fun they are having blowing bubbles. There is a picture of pups in there, and I had NO clue then that Gibson was going to be part of my life now.
Yet, the biggest symbol on my vision board, which still guides me today is the Inukshuk: which is pasted right below a little girl looking down right at it:
The mysterious stone figures known as inuksuit can be found throughout the circumpolar world. Inukshuk, the singular of inuksuit, means “in the likeness of a human” in the Inuit language. They are monuments made of unworked stones that are used by the Inuit for communication and survival. The traditional meaning of the inukshuk is “Someone was here” or “You are on the right path.” (source inukshukgallery)
And everywhere I walked this past year, I would notice someone had built an Inukshuk on their lawn. I took that as: “I am on the right path” and it was then and there I really understood in my heart when everyone said “You are not alone”. Ahhhhhhhhh the relief. I mean, I knew it in a sense, yet I had to experience it to grasp that even in the unknown I am supported no matter what. And supported I was. All year I received gifts, and books, and lovely cards. I have my cheerleading squad on Facebook, and those in my spirit groups. I have my children, and my community, I have new friends, my dad, my mom, my bro and my best friend Caroline, and the newest member of my family Gibson my dog. I have all this love in my life now.. why.. because I am ALLOWING it to come through. No more walls (see my post here) no more excuses.
“You look back on some little decision you made and realize all the things that happened because of it, and you think to yourself “if only I’d known,” but, of course, you couldn’t have known.”
― Mary Downing Hahn, The Dead Man in Indian Creek
I am love, and I am loveable.
I am capable to give love and receive love. I am capable of asking and receiving, and allowing all the wonderful joys into my life. I am capable of being alone, in all its peaceful glory, and spending time with myself. I am grateful for the creativity which abounds in me since I am letting go and healing the things I set out to heal.
The year ahead is all about allowing and creating. Allowing the time I need to heal now that I have built this wonderful structure of friends and community. I can now rest, and KNOW if I need anything, there will be people there to help, and in return, if I can help others, I will.
So the adventure continues, and this past year, I have learned the “unknown” can be a really cool place, if we understand in our hearts that nothing is certain, but with the right magical blend, we can achieve and experience the most amazing encounters if we allow them in our lives.