Hope: A Way Out of the Darkness by Faith Marcus

“We dream to give ourselves hope. To stop dreaming – well, that’s like saying you can never change your fate.”
— Amy Tan

Depression hurts is a slogan for a ‘popular’ antidepressant, and nothing could sum it up better. Depression does hurt. It’s a kind of pain that is unlike any physical pain I have ever encountered. It is difficult to articulate. It’s different from being “down” or in a funky mood. The closest I could get would be to describe it akin to being at the bottom of a dark black hole. So far removed from everything and a feeling that it is impossible to escape.

I suffered from depression for many years, on and off, it suffices to say that I have been in a state of depression most of my life, with episodes that triggered it, catapulting me and kicking me down. Sometimes for periods of months. Asking ‘what’s the matter’ or stating ‘you have nothing to be depressed about’ was maddening. Suggesting that I should talk about it, get help, change my diet, take a walk or some type of physical activity, or any other little tidbits of advice seemed to exacerbate it. Not being able to let others in my dark and morbid world, I soon found myself alone.

There were times that I wanted to scream and to cry, but even those emotions were difficult to express. It’s like living inside a shell of a person. It is as close to being in a personal hell, as anyone could imagine. And something I found difficult to discuss, even to psychologists or health care professionals. I took antidepressants on and off for several years, they did, in a sense, lift my mood, but never really ‘cured me’. I still felt hollow, although I was able to at least get out of bed and take on some basic daily tasks.

light-in-forest-photo-effectI tried for a very long time to find out the ‘why’ of why I was so depressed, and really found no solace in the admission or discovery that I had an abusive father, many toxic and abusive relationships, including being raped and beaten twice during my teenage years, failed romances, loss of jobs, extremely difficult pregnancy, hormonal imbalances, etc ,etc. The ‘why’ never seemed to resolve anything. I didn’t even care, as even having a practical understanding, never seemed to shed light on how I was feeling.

From therapy to EFT {tapping} to many conventional methods, all were temporary band aids..I would feel better for a while, but nothing ever stopped the ‘demon’ from returning. I soon began to discover that I was not alone in my darkness, from friends to other creative people, especially those in the spiritual world, I started to connect with other ‘damaged’ souls. I regained enough strength to return to my long abandoned spiritual quest, to read, to meditate, to listen to sound vibration, to music and chanting, to physical soothing massage therapy. As I made the commitment to embrace gentler and more subtle modalities, I slowly started to make progress. And each time I took even a tiny step forward, I soon began to notice a ripple effect.

While I still have found myself in “situation” depression, from time to time,I can say that, for the most part, I am no longer clinically depressed. Looking back, I wonder if this dark state was brought upon me, so that I would finally be able to discover who I really am. It’s a long climb from nothingness to feelings of wholeness, wellness and divinity.

For anyone who is suffering, my heart is filled with compassion, as this is a very compassionless illness. Do not be afraid to reach out to something that you can hold on to, whatever that may be, if it helps you even in the slightest way. Know you are not alone. Know that most people will not understand what you are going through, but, hopefully will support you.

“Don’t feel as if there is no hope. There is a way out of the darkness.”

270507_1936441536880_4341496_nFaith Marcus describes herself as a: Professional dreamer, manifestor and designer. Bohemian, romantic, maverick, woman of many moods and tastes. I’m a creative know-it-all, a style guru, and a Jill-of-all-Trades. I’m continuing on my journey making best friends with my Higher Self . I would like to connect with you if you are creative, artistic, a mystic, a poet, a hipster, a hot rocker, and/or a lover of the Universe. You can connect with her on her Facebook Page Faith Marcus Designs.  Check out her amazing collection of Jewelry over at her website too.

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2 Comments

  1. Thank you for sharing your courageous post, Faith. It is inspirational that thru the pain, you have found your talented and wonderful self

  2. Faith…I know that place of being irritated by the suggestions, being functional but hollow from the medication, and feeling so, so alone…

    You’ve described it all so well. I love how you name it “a very compassionate illness.” Yes.

    thank you…

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