Anger Makes Me Sad – How I Cope with Mine and Other’s

anger

“When angry, count four. When very angry, swear.” 
― Mark Twain

I do not handle anger very well. In fact I fear it. I run away from it. I avoid it, try to kill it, and may even eat a whole pizza to try to numb it. Anger feels foreign to me in a familiar way. I don’t know where to put it or how to express it, yet I know it is there. I also HATE is when others get angry. Hearing someone yell, scream while watching them throw a brush down the hallway really puts me into shambles. To me, other people’s anger is the worst, why? Because it forces me to look at mine. I really need to learn to detach myself. 

If I had to draw a picture of my anger, I would probably depict a bottle-shaped form inside my stomach full of fire and whirling wind. When it gets full, I have digestion problems, and increases in anxiety. When I suppress it, I have a panic attack or I sob uncontrollably. The latter allows me to literally spit out tears to find some balance.. I cry, because I am terrified of the ire which lies inside me. I cry because the anger becomes too uncomfortable, leaving me vulnerable, worried, and sad.

Another thing I cannot stand is when someone is mad at me. This probably stems back from my childhood, a time when being mad was unacceptable. Maybe my mother was like me, maybe she didn’t know what to do with her own anger. Overwhelmed raising two children on her own, I can imagine how she felt. I get it!

I have made peace with my past thus,I want to move forward. I want to be able to deal with someone being mad at me. That person KNOWS how much it bothers me because I show them my vulnerability. I try to make up, be kind, bake a cake, suck it up baby… I am the “harmonizer”! Does it work for me? HELL NO! It only makes the other person in my life stronger. Unconsciously some people in my life, including at times, my children, use their anger as a weapon of mass destruction.

“If I stay mad at her, she’ll suffer, cry, feel uncomfortable, make me my favorite dinner….oh boy “I GOT THE POWER”!!

Well people, I want to change this. I want to stop grovelling! I want to stop apologizing for being angry.. I want to teach people how to treat me, and this starts with accepting my anger, and expecting respect. No longer the woman everyone can manipulate with a “I hate you!” or with a screaming fit. I want to be the one to have the screaming fit, and I want it to be OK!!

“Pipe the fuck down!”

Thanks to Jenna Marbles (see video above if you do not like swearing do not watch 😉 ) I started to add humor to my anger. This is one way to assert myself in a way I can accept.. since embracing my ire is such a chore. Saying the “F” word out loud is such a stress reliever. Not in front of my kids mind you (ok once or twice I slipped saying it not to them but in front of them). Yet, saying “PIPE the Eff down” just dissipates the anger and allows to get to the bottom of it.

There is a bottom.

Many episodes, in the early days of Dr. Phil taught me: Underneath all the anger is sadness. And most times it is so true. Just this week someone really close to me called me and was full of rage, contempt, anger and felt betrayed, the aggression was hard to listen to, sending the receiver very far from my ear, yet, I also heard tears. This person was hurt, sad, and probably reliving some past issues. This is the root of the anger, the hurt. So where is my hurt? Why do I still avoid being angry. How come I cannot call someone and yell in their ear?

Because it is not me….

I would hate someone to be the recipient of my anger. When I say to my children: “what you just did made me angry” I feel all uneasy inside. I feel I am making them feel awkward like I do when someone is mad at me. The thing is, my kids don’t suck up to me when I am angry at them.. (thank God they didn’t learn this from me) They don’t like it, but do not try to make it better by making me coffee or bringing me breakfast in bed.

So whether I am angry, someone else is angry or angry at me, what is the best way to deal with it? I am still in the process of learning.  No longer will I allow someone to hold their anger over my head. I want to do something different! Not make someone’s bed, nor grovel, not run out and buy their favorite chocolate. I do not want teach those in my life that it is ok to hold anger over someone. Especially me. I know I taught them to be this way, and it is up to me to un-teach them.

And … to teach myself that anger is a human emotion.. its ok to express it, release it, and forgive.

What are your coping strategies when it comes to anger. Do you express it immediately? Do you grovel like me? (please let me know I am not alone LOL) How do you deal when someone is angry at you?

Please share in the comments below.. and lets all “PIPE the fuck down” !! 🙂

“Don’t hold to anger, hurt or pain. They steal your energy and keep you from love.” 
― Leo Buscaglia

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14 Comments

  1. We have a lot in common Kim! And obviously others feel a resonance too. Recently, I set a huge boundary with a loved one because I had had ENOUGH of anger. I went away for a couple of days with the possibility of more time apart. It has made a huge difference. I let my own anger be known (which was huge for me and startling for him). I said what I really wanted which, like you, is to be heard and respected. I owned this anger and did not attack with it. Just said, in no uncertain terms, STOP or there will be consequences. Powerful stuff!

    Must say too I have more than a few poems about this too, including “Raging Rita” one of the chatterboxes.

  2. Good Post Kimmy, anger management is one of the reasons I got into Reiki in the first place, and one of the things Reiki teaches us is how to be in control of anger and other negative emotions, and, while not avoiding confrontation, to take control of situations in a calm and measured fashion. I urge you to get hold of a copy of Tanmaya Honervogt’s Complete Reiki Tutor, I really think it could be the turning point for you.

    The other thing I wanted to talk about is how you seem to accept the negative images and schema that get laid on you by people like conventional therapists etc – these labels perpetuate the stigma you feel in yourself and I think contribute to feelings of lack of self-worth and powerlessness. In Reiki we learn to remove the labels that Western society and Western medicine apply to these states of mind – I really feel you would benefit hugely from experiencing Reiki treatments and practice.

  3. Hi, Kim!

    I appreciate your wonderings about anger, and your openness in discussing how you express your own and deal with others’ anger.

    I think anger can sometimes be a real, raw, and powerful emotion in terms of recognizing injustices, developing self-preservation, and setting personal boundaries.

    Anger can alert us to take a stand for ourselves and others. It can open us up to our instincts and intuitions.

    Our thoughts, words, and actions can be empowered by the care and deliberateness we take in expressing our anger, inwardly and outwardly.

    • Kim

      February 9, 2013 at 8:42 am

      I love the way you put this midge! Yes, anger is a powerful and positive emotion. I agree!

      I just have to learn how to channel it properly.

      Your insights can be a total amazing post!

      Interested? 🙂

      xoxoxo

  4. Hi Kim,

    Like Kate says, “this really hits home”. I grew up in a family where anger just simmered under the surface. This is getting to be a long time ago but I still have major issues with anger and not being able to deal with it at all. Thank you so much for this!

    • Kim

      February 8, 2013 at 9:43 pm

      I agree, it starts with family, I glad I posted this today. At first I wasn’t sure, yet I know many of us deal with anger issues. As women, we often tend to “shut up”.. no more. I want to be able to channel my anger in a positive way. And allow other’s to be angry without taking their anger in.

  5. Agreed. I embrace my anger. It’s a wonderful indication and alert that my boundaries have possibly been crossed. lso for me, just under the anger is frustration at not being heard, which leads to sadness. When I was angry I’d go straight to tears of frustration in almost every situation. Lately that has shifted and I don’t cry every time. Awkward when trying to get a point across to the boss. Issues around communication and energy exchanges are especially charged for me when they come up.
    When someone doesn’t understand me, I remember that what they are responding to is *their* perception of me. The book “The Usual Error” is a good read and speaks to a lot of situations like this.
    When I acknowledge that I don’t click with a person energetically that helps diffuse the anger and I can be compassionate and rational. My goal is to honor myself while keeping communication open. If that doesn’t work then I simply limit my contact with the person or situation that has a potential to trigger me.

    • Kim

      February 8, 2013 at 2:30 pm

      Thank you Linda.

      It is a challenge this anger!! LOL

      Trying to sift through .. I feel like a baby learning all over again.

  6. I can so relate to being the appeaser Kim. Not anymore though baby! Now I let people know I’m angry, calmly, but clearly. I visualize their anger washing past me, without slamming into me, and that helps – a lot!

    Love this courageous post!!!

  7. Holy buckets did this hit close to home!!! You’ve managed to put feelings and emotions into words in such a way that it makes you stop and think before you react!!!!

    • Kim

      February 8, 2013 at 12:35 pm

      Thank you Kate. I totally had this post coming. Looking back with exes and how I dealt with their and my own anger, really opens up one’s eyes.

      • Hi Kim, other peoples anger is their problem to deal with. Next time someone looses it, just calmly, look that person straight on and ask, “excuse me do you have a problem? deal with it” And walk away or look away, if they see they are not getting to you, they will loose some power. As for your anger issues, just yesterday Dr.Oz was talking about this subject. He said that if your hungry or tired that could trigger anger. I don’t remember it all you could check his website. This is only my opinion, not gospel.

        • Kim

          February 8, 2013 at 1:05 pm

          Thanks Diane! My patience is thinner when I am about to have my period 🙂 I think I have to learn to deal with my own anger (when it comes) first and foremost. Then I can let other’s anger pass by me, like Tracie, said and not let it bother me.

          I love the walking away part! I am going to try it. Thanks!!

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