I do not handle anger very well. In fact I fear it. I run away from it. I avoid it, try to kill it, and may even eat a whole pizza to try to numb it. Anger feels foreign to me in a familiar way. I don’t know where to put it or how to express it, yet I know it is there. I also HATE is when others get angry. Hearing someone yell, scream while watching them throw a brush down the hallway really puts me into shambles. To me, other people’s anger is the worst, why? Because it forces me to look at mine. I really need to learn to detach myself.
If I had to draw a picture of my anger, I would probably depict a bottle-shaped form inside my stomach full of fire and whirling wind. When it gets full, I have digestion problems, and increases in anxiety. When I suppress it, I have a panic attack or I sob uncontrollably. The latter allows me to literally spit out tears to find some balance.. I cry, because I am terrified of the ire which lies inside me. I cry because the anger becomes too uncomfortable, leaving me vulnerable, worried, and sad.
Another thing I cannot stand is when someone is mad at me. This probably stems back from my childhood, a time when being mad was unacceptable. Maybe my mother was like me, maybe she didn’t know what to do with her own anger. Overwhelmed raising two children on her own, I can imagine how she felt. I get it!
I have made peace with my past thus,I want to move forward. I want to be able to deal with someone being mad at me. That person KNOWS how much it bothers me because I show them my vulnerability. I try to make up, be kind, bake a cake, suck it up baby… I am the “harmonizer”! Does it work for me? HELL NO! It only makes the other person in my life stronger. Unconsciously some people in my life, including at times, my children, use their anger as a weapon of mass destruction.
“If I stay mad at her, she’ll suffer, cry, feel uncomfortable, make me my favorite dinner….oh boy “I GOT THE POWER”!!
Well people, I want to change this. I want to stop grovelling! I want to stop apologizing for being angry.. I want to teach people how to treat me, and this starts with accepting my anger, and expecting respect. No longer the woman everyone can manipulate with a “I hate you!” or with a screaming fit. I want to be the one to have the screaming fit, and I want it to be OK!!
“Pipe the fuck down!”
Thanks to Jenna Marbles (see video above if you do not like swearing do not watch 😉 ) I started to add humor to my anger. This is one way to assert myself in a way I can accept.. since embracing my ire is such a chore. Saying the “F” word out loud is such a stress reliever. Not in front of my kids mind you (ok once or twice I slipped saying it not to them but in front of them). Yet, saying “PIPE the Eff down” just dissipates the anger and allows to get to the bottom of it.
There is a bottom.
Many episodes, in the early days of Dr. Phil taught me: Underneath all the anger is sadness. And most times it is so true. Just this week someone really close to me called me and was full of rage, contempt, anger and felt betrayed, the aggression was hard to listen to, sending the receiver very far from my ear, yet, I also heard tears. This person was hurt, sad, and probably reliving some past issues. This is the root of the anger, the hurt. So where is my hurt? Why do I still avoid being angry. How come I cannot call someone and yell in their ear?
Because it is not me….
I would hate someone to be the recipient of my anger. When I say to my children: “what you just did made me angry” I feel all uneasy inside. I feel I am making them feel awkward like I do when someone is mad at me. The thing is, my kids don’t suck up to me when I am angry at them.. (thank God they didn’t learn this from me) They don’t like it, but do not try to make it better by making me coffee or bringing me breakfast in bed.
So whether I am angry, someone else is angry or angry at me, what is the best way to deal with it? I am still in the process of learning. No longer will I allow someone to hold their anger over my head. I want to do something different! Not make someone’s bed, nor grovel, not run out and buy their favorite chocolate. I do not want teach those in my life that it is ok to hold anger over someone. Especially me. I know I taught them to be this way, and it is up to me to un-teach them.
And … to teach myself that anger is a human emotion.. its ok to express it, release it, and forgive.
What are your coping strategies when it comes to anger. Do you express it immediately? Do you grovel like me? (please let me know I am not alone LOL) How do you deal when someone is angry at you?
Please share in the comments below.. and lets all “PIPE the fuck down” !! 🙂
“Don’t hold to anger, hurt or pain. They steal your energy and keep you from love.”
― Leo Buscaglia