“The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death! What’s that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you’re too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating……and you finish off as an orgasm.” ~George Carlin

I am writing today, inspired by many.  So many messages to pay attention to.  Thank you friends for sharing the things you do, it really is appreciated.  I love when my muse kicks in, and thus begins the cycle of my writing:

I have come full circle. Ten years have passed since my last reading of The Artist’s Way, and today, these words ring in my ears. I have always known deep inside our lives are cyclical, like the phases of the moon, the passage of time, the tick tock of a clock. Butterflies were once caterpillars, plants were once seeds, oceans were merely clouds ready to explode. Yet, thinking of the ocean, it is vast, powerful, and within it a whole world exists. It rises, and falls, and can create life or destruction. Yet the ocean’s tide’s rise and fall can create harmony, thus acting like ripple, and spreading for miles.

It is all about perception I see life as a spiral you see it as… 

A spiral is circular but the circles are cyclical in nature. In a spiral you never repeat a circle, you simply wind up at the same point but in a new circle that is connected to all the others.  The cycles continue to turn. They don’t ever disconnect from each other. The spiral continues to move in circular motion.  – by Anon Spiritual Explorer

What if, like the ocean, there is a little world inside us forever changing yet continuously connected? That in reality, the stories we tell ourselves are within, forever merging, growing, expanding, whether depression, exhaustion, hate, love, happiness is the feeling of the day. What if my mother was right? What if I cannot change the world? The exterior world, the planet we live on. However, within the cycles of my life, what if the world changes when I decide to do something differently?

Which brings me to today, exactly where I am. 10 years ago, I was just going out on my own again. My children were 3 and 5. Single motherhood and crying out for help. I wrote in my journal:

Sept 12th 2002

… It feels weird living my life this way because I’m so used to self-sabotaging my efforts. I am not perfect yet I have much to learn, and I have learned so much. Challenges are easier to overcome. My tool belt is full, and I’ll add more told if necessary. I’m ready to live!

Do you know how many times I’ve tried to “fix” the problem of “self-sabotage”? I’ve done it many times since I wrote in 2002. What I have found though, while experiencing the cycles of life, is I did add more tools to my tool belt, and I have slowly rewritten (or slightly edited) the story I tell myself. Which is: I am alone, I am poor, I am a victim, please come fix me!

Sept 20th 2002

I guess adapting to our new house is more challenging than I thought. A part of me was naive thinking once we left our old life all our “baggage” would disappear! It didn’t.

I’ve been hard on myself and the children. Not giving us time to adapt and rushing the process. It’s ok to feel scared. We just got here! Heck, give me a break!

Do you know I wrote almost exactly the same statement in my journal last year in October of 2011?! Reliving the same story, yet differently. BUT!!! This time, the cycle has changed.. there is a slight upward movement like the spiral of life. This time, I AM giving myself a break. It took a very long 12 months to understand this. Staying home again on social assistance is not easy, yet I poverty is not a story I want to tell anymore.  I am rich in so many ways.  No need to justify why I need to finally take my life into my hands.  Where am I right now?

RIGHT BACK WHERE I STARTED?… not really!

“Things are as they are. Looking out into the universe at night, we make no comparisons between right and wrong stars, nor between well and badly arranged constellations.” ~Alan Wilson Watts

A sister friend wrote to me this week:

“It feels like you’ve drawn on your energy and value from the outer world. I think you actually needed this for a while to help you through a down time but not anymore. Are you are realizing how little it feeds your soul? I think you’ve got to really bump up the self-love to rid yourself of the sadness. When I focus on you I feel really sad which can easily pile up into depressed. It feels like you may mistrust others because you can’t understand why they would want to do anything loving and kind for you.”

She’s right! This is the story I was telling myself: “I need you to validate me” big HUGE story. Yet, if I keep this up, nothing in the world will change, because my inner world will be waiting for you to tell me I’m good, I’m pretty, I’m a good writer, I’m a good photographer. I’ll be waiting all this time, and 10 years from now, I’ll be quoting myself again in a blog.

Self-sabotage comes from not loving yourself. Self-sabotage comes from the fear of not being good enough, so we decide writing that story, making that movie, or playing that song is not worth the time and effort, because.. well because no one will like it.

Then it dawned on me! I am writing the story, taking the pictures, and slowly getting out of my comfort zone. I was going to quit my dream interpretation business, when things started getting tough, then a friend of mine reminded me that I have a gift. This intuitive, ever so evolving gift! AND YES!  I am going to continue to share it with you. Thank God she reminded me that it was “fear” getting in my way. Ego can be such a nasty little bugger!

So many things in my life are so similar to what I was doing in 2002 it is scary. However, the difference is: This time, I am not rewriting my story, no.. I am adding another chapter. A whole new book? I don’t like to think of it as a new life entirely, because I do not regret a thing. Lets make each book a continuum of the previous one. That’s it.. fill an entire library!

This way, I can change the world, one book, one cycle.. at a time.

How bout you? What story are you writing about yourself? Do you feel life is linear, or more like a circle or spiral.. continuous without end.

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