Ugly is the New Beautiful

“If dandelions were hard to grow, they would be most welcome on any lawn” – Andrew V. Mason

You’ve just spent hours in your garden last week pruning, weeding, mowing, picking, arranging, and planting, to wake up and find bouquets of dandelions scattered all over your lawn. You give yourself the V-8 slap, and silently curse your neighbor’s children for making wishes on the pretty dandelion seed heads, and scattering the love all over your blanket of grass. You think of ways of killing those pesky weeds for good, never to see them return on your posh lawn again!

Have you ever received a bunch of dandelions from a child? All bunched up in a beautiful arrangement, given with love and admiration for the yellow flowers. I remember my son, smelling them in the spring, only to come home with a yellow nose. I could see he saw the beauty in them, so did my daughter, and honestly, bunched together they do in fact, look pretty!

“It is the little things that make a whole, not the other way around.” 

Last May I wrote for FemCentral, I describe  “finding joy in the details“, getting up close and personal with the Universe and discovering where beauty hides. In the trees, in the intricate detail of a maple leaf, or an ant working hard to feed the queen. Do you know how many times an aunt can go back and forth? Amazing to watch them work. Yet, if ever I found ants in my cupboard I wouldn’t be so joyful, I wouldn’t hesitate to spray them with RAID.  Oh those awful things!

Stop the world please!

Yesterday I woke up in a frenzy. I had this weird dream about King Kong, monsters invading the base-ball field.  There were bridges to cross, hills to climb,  bikes to fix, beds to make, people to see, it was just all over the place. Upon awakening, I had this feeling of gloom and doom, and I couldn’t shake it for the life of me. Things started to spin, and the voice in my head was not saying nice things. Even after writing the dream  and my feelings down in my journal,   I couldn’t get rid of the feeling. Yesterday, everything was UGLY!

I felt like a wave of weeds just fell in my apartment and couldn’t get rid of them. Invasion overload I call it!  My reflection in the mirror was of an old woman who had not died her hair in months (I haven’t since June) she was fat, full of age spots, and teeth that were getting more crooked by the day. This woman’s reflection was one of a loser, she couldn’t even work anymore and her family was going to suffer for it. She hated herself in a big way.

I broke down and cried so much I couldn’t breathe, waves and waves of emotions kept creeping up on me, yet even after the sobbing, I didn’t find total release, not like I’m used to anyhow.

I couldn’t quiet my mind for a long time. I tried meditating, calling for help, writing my friends, seeking my angels. NOTHING was working. All I could think about were the weeds of my mind. The worries about paying the bills, finding a new washing machine,  and just keeping up with everything just drained me.  I kept on bashing myself in the head for all the things I didn’t do all summer. For instance, not swimming, or biking, or even seeing a movie with my kids.  The times I didn’t cook or even clean the bathtub! Yes I know it sounds gross, however, with depression, sometimes things slack. This was one of them.

GIVE MYSELF A BREAK… WHY DON’T I?

I finally received a message back from one of my good friends I contacted with my feelings of anxiety and panic, and she told me to do something practical yet repetitive. Her insight was right on! I decided to take out the old rags and scrub the homeliness out of the tub. Time to clean the bathroom. I also did a load of laundry by hand. If that is not practical, repetitive and boring I may add, then what is? I squished, swished, squashed and wrung the heck out of the clothes, to hang them later on my balcony. What a relief!

As my clothes swirled in the wind.. I began to feel much better. AHH!! But could I handle my reflection in the mirror?

Looking back at yesterday. I can now attest, my reflection was truly a mirror of what was going on inside me. I mean, since I am being honest, I have never really found myself to be all that pretty (I am not searching for compliments). As the years add onto my face, it is getting to be a challenge to see my once youthful self. Yet, I know there is beauty in me. I see that now. I am tons of pretty on the inside and yes on the outside, I just don’t see it daily. I focus too much on the weeds (gray hairs, skin tags, age spots) to see the real beauty I own. With this said, I am learning, in therapy and by truly listening and observing other women, to focus on the cute things. Like, my eyes, my smile, my cheeks, my great calves, and I do have a good set of boobs! (I had to add that).

When it comes down to my life. I am experiencing the necessity of the weed (s).  I see the beauty in it all its glory, even down to the nitty-gritty. The magic is really to appreciate how things transform once you pay attention. Look real close at the peeled paint on your door? From afar its old and decrepid, yet up close you can see the details in the wood, and the flakes of paint start to look pretty. Same goes for ourselves. Once the love comes, there is no going back.

This is where I am now. To see the beauty in all that is happening, the good, the bad, and yes even the UGLY! Coming up for air from this depression has let me do this. Although when it hits (on days like yesterday) and thing start spiraling out of control, I can look back and see the good it has brought me. I mean look, now my bath is sparkling, I have clean clothes, and a spirit which is much happier than it was yesterday.

So the next time you see a child wishing on a dandelion head, see the magic in their wish, and hopefully next spring, your beautiful yellow covered yard will be just that .. a thing of beauty!

Kim

Side note:  As I am editing this post, the song Across The Universe, by the Beatles is playing.  How truly appropriate 🙂

Here is the link to the video (cause I do not know how to embed it on my post)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YCKANiM9tUM

 

 

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4 Comments

  1. Hey Kim! Your beauty and light are shining through. It’s incredible how mundane tasks like handwashing clothes can help us. I enjoy all of your writings and thank you for being so brave and sharing this with us!! xoxo

    • Kim

      April 10, 2013 at 10:22 pm

      Thank you Catherine. I love that you come here every day and read my posts. It really does encourage me, and warms my heart!!

      I hope you are well, and we should chat soon on FB.

      Take care.

  2. Kim

    August 25, 2012 at 1:35 pm

    Everytime I read this commment AZD I remind myself why I do what I do, and why I share what I share.

    Thank you for your constant support.

  3. AmishZombieDude

    August 22, 2012 at 6:41 am

    What a raw post, so honest and amazing how you exposed the signs and nature and ugliness of depression. I loved how you literally scrubbed yourself out of it! One of the 1st Dr. Phil shows I ever saw was a topic on depression. He used his classic behavior modification techniques and said, “If you wait until you want to do it, you’ll never do it!” So his point was just to get up, get moving and “just do it!” I am continually impressed by how you attack the subject of depression by bringing (dragging) it out of the dark and exposing it to light and using your own experience to do it. Your personal experience is much more relatable than a cold text, or self-help video. Great job! Kim, you are a unique, warm and talented writer. You are helping many more people than you may know! I hope you are chronicling the process and your journey for a book deal someday!

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