You do not have to create prosperity. All the prosperity there ever was or will be has already been created. You just have to let it in. ~ Alan Cohen, M.A. from the article One Digit To Wealth

Recently I sat on my balcony crying and thinking to myself: “We are broke! It is all my fault! If I wasn’t feeling feelings of lack and loss, abundance would be flowing to us” I felt desperate, I figured this mental illness was making me lazy, and leaving my family in financial limbo. I blamed myself for 2 weeks of eating peanut butter jelly sandwiches, toast and butter, and Stove Top Stuffing surprise. I went on to think: “When will I make money with my blog?” My dream interpretations are not bringing in income. I just can’t make it work! Maybe I should shut the whole thing down!”

Self-blame often breeds more self-blame:

All I want is to provide for my children. All I want is to eat something healthier than white bread. “What am I doing wrong?” that was the last question I asked my therapist that week. “What am I doing to create the lack we are living in?”

“All substance is energy in motion. It lives and flows. Money is symbolically a golden, flowing stream of concretized vital energy. “ ~The Magic Work Of The Soul

Thank God week 6 of The Artist’s Way came at the right time. I had to go back to gratitude and seeing the positive side of things. Not that wallowing in self-pity for a bit is a bad thing, it isn’t. I think we all need to experience the emotions that are coming up this allows them to be acknowledged and released.  I discussed this in earlier Artist Way posts.

Underneath all the pain of feeling the lack, was sadness. I felt forsaken by the Universe, and even though not a couple of months before I was feeling the “love”, when one’s cupboard is empty and one has kids to feed… the world seems to fall apart. I try to imagine how a mother feels, day in and day out, living in an impoverished country watching her child emaciated from lack of food. This brings me to feel empathy, sadness then, gratitude.  I tell my children that we are really lucky to be eating peanut butter jelly sandwiches, we are extremely blessed. Some do not have that luxury.

I cried.

I cried for these mothers, these families, these people living on the street, and counted my blessed stars. We are fed, we are sheltered, and have warm comfortable beds to sleep on. Life, in fact, is grand!

Whose fault is it? Mine or God’s?

If I am the creator of what is, then why blame God? Because, as my 4th grade teacher once told me (she was a nun) “Get mad at God. Get mad at him with all your might!! He can take it! He loves you”. So I did get mad at God, I told him it was unfair, uncalled for as I sat there stamping my feet like a teenager. I raised my hands, swore, and let God know, I wasn’t going to take this anymore!

He listened.. He really did! After quiet meditation, I realized, this is NOT God’s fault, I just  don’t trust myself with money. I don’t. Years and years of mismanagement of funds, has often caused lack in my life. I believe what everyone tells me: You must work darn hard to make money, if not, you are screwed. So, of course, when recovering from mental illness, working “hard” is not as easy as one thinks. I have to “muster” up lots of courage just to get to the store some days. So, I don’t deserve abundance, according to my subconscious, because I am writing daily, writing for authors, and writing dream interpretations, however, this  is no way to make money right? This comes easy to me!…..and so, according to Julia Cameron:

  “when it comes for us to choose between a cherished dream and a lousy current drudgery, we often choose to ignore the dream and blame our continued misery on God. We act like it’s God’s fault we didn’t go to Europe, take that painting class, go on that photo shoot. In truth, we, not God, have decided not to go. We have tried to be sensible — as though we have any proof at all that God is sensible — rather than see if the universe might not have supported some healthy extravagance.” p. 107

 Julia suggests we look at our past, and our family’s relationship with money.

My father, a once prominent band member of The Rembrandt’s (not the modern version) played for a packed hotel every weekend, in Saint-Adolphe d’Howard in the Laurentians.  In those days, the 60’s, my father’s band would pack the hotel every Friday, Saturday and Sunday. He was on top of the world, loving the attention of his adoring fans, and boy could he play piano (still can). He was a rock star of the day. His band went as far as winning the “Battle Of The Bands” and had the opportunity to make an album. But they never did. Why?

Do I have the same syndrome as my father? Cannot be rich, and famous because having fun making money is too easy? Not hard work? Did he ask himself the same questions as I do today? Did he quit music entirely because he feared not being able to provide for his child coming (me) in 1965? This thought makes me sad. I know it is not my fault. Do we deny what we think are luxuries because we think we do not deserve it? I am not talking about big ass cars, or shining diamonds, I am talking about the luxury of putting our artist to work, in creating the life we want, and deserve by doing the things we love, and by practicing self-care.

Julia writes:

“In order to thrive as artists – and one can argue, as people, — we need to be available to the universal flow. When we put a stopper on our capacity for joy by anorectically declining the small gifts in our life, we turn aside the larger gifts as well.”

This is what I think I was doing, again, when I was stuck a couple of weeks back. Fear, for me, stops the flow! Not feeling that today’s love of my work from home, could bring in money, or flow of abundance. When I finally stopped to think about it, and ask the universe to release this block, automatically the flow continued again.. and I see it more than ever.

A storm on synchronicities entered my life! My mom announced her coming to visit, which in turn, she brought us gifts, bought us groceries, and little “treats” here and there. A stranger is sending me $100.00 which I received through Jo Anna Rothmans’s The Receiving Project. Just a short email on why I needed the money and the person chose me! Then yesterday, out of the blue, I receive an unexpected cheque from the government because they owed me money. That will certainly help pay for food, school supplies, school fees, new clothes, and a deposit on a new washing machine. The money I received wont pay all I need to pay, however, it helps, it helps BIG TIME!

True life is lived when tiny changes occur. ~Leo Tolstoy

 In the end, revisiting this chapter on abundance and universal flow, has opened my eyes on how differently I view income from when I first read it 10 years ago. I can now start trusting myself with money again. All my bills are paid (except for a being a bit behind on rent), my fridge and cupboard are now full, and my children are healthy and loved. We are blessed with A/C, and cable, things we didn’t have before. We have all we need daily to live life, while I continue on my road to recovery. Recovering as a lost soul, a creative artist, and a woman. Finding ways to make my life most joyful life I can have. Even if it is eating peanut butter jelly sandwiches with my children on the balcony and saying “Cheers” and we knock those suckers together before taking a big bite!

This week, I dreamed I was on a bus, taking me I don’t know where, however, I remember feeling trust in where it was taking me.  This my friends, is a great sign of things to come.

What makes you feel truly abundant?  Have you experienced synchronicity this week?

Next Week:  Recovering a sense of connection