Finding Shades Of Grey – Not the 50 kind

“There is only one way to go, and that’s up. I know that it is possible for life to look, sometimes, as if it’s going downhill, as if everything is falling apart. But consider this: When life is ‘falling apart’ things could actually be falling together…maybe for the first time.”

Neale Donald Walsch

Do you ever feel like you are on a never-ending rock and roll “roller coaster” ride? Things start hurling at you back and forth and you do not know how to block your ears from the sound, run away from the seat you are in, and feeling like you are going to fall? That has been my week. Yes, I am all about balance and riding the tide, yet, there are times when the bumpy roads must be felt..I just need to tighten my seatbelt.

I chose the above quote, which just crossed my path on Facebook this morning, when thinking about what I was going to write for today’s post. I had a plan to write a personal post about my recovery for a while now, but wasn’t sure where I was going to go or how I was going to express it. I guess I still don’t. Lets see where it takes me. Hang on to your seat my friends.

Like I have mentioned, since November, I’ve been on my own, with my two teen FrootLoops. I was diagnosed by my Doctor and Therapist with anxiety disorder, panic and depression. I’ve learned over the past few months that I am here to experience for the first time in my life, self-love, independence, self-sufficiency, self-respect and responsibility. I’ve tried to live out these experiences many times throughout my life, and have succeeded for short periods, but I often end up “going downhill” as if I wasn’t worthy of the latter.

I chose relationships that were hurting me, friends who were insulting me, jobs I hated, clothes that didn’t suit me, and habits that were harmful to my wellbeing. I was often self-righteous, naggy, and exacerbated a lot of self-pity. I often felt “victimized”, unloved and unworthy, and enjoyed (I think) the drama, the chaos and all those things which led me to crash because I was walking a fine line between self-destruction and self-love.

Today, I choose self-love, almost every single time. Oh I mess up, I am human after all, and I find myself judging my actions harshly when I do. This is what is happening now.

ITS JUDGEMENT TIME!

I have been purposely isolating myself from the world. Not always, but as a protection measure to keep myself from getting too close to that eventual fall. Contrary to the past, I am not doing this out of fear. I do go out, on my own terms, on my own time, to meet people and have some fun. Yet, it is a very slow process. I have discovered that purposely being alone with oneself leads to some interesting revelations about how my mind and soul works, what makes me tick, what makes me happy, and what leads to self-judgement.

What brings me down is this: I have an emotion, such as, anger. Then I express my anger in the way I know how, then feel guilty about it. Feeling guilty leads to me hitting myself over the head for expressing my anger. I am my worst enemy. Alone, I cannot blame a spouse, a friend, a parent for putting myself down, I am the only one to blame.  Truth be known, loneliness, often sets in.

You get the picture here don’t you.

Lets go back to NDW’s quote. Right now, I feel that a part of my life (not everything) is falling apart. Now, instead of wallowing in self-pity (which I allowed myself to do for a little while) maybe I should look at it as everything coming together. The puzzle is just scattered and I have to take the time to put it together even if it takes hours. I feel that I am trying yet, you know when you get to the “sky” part of a puzzle and every piece is blue? Well, ya, that part takes a lot of heavy patience.

Be patient with yourself, I say… be patient.

The biggest mistake we make, I think, is not allowing ourselves these negative emotions. Not acknowledging they are there. Jennifer Shelton from FemCentral taught me to look at these feelings and NOT shove them aside with a positive affirmation. Just think of oil and fire. It just doesn’t work. There is always a place for positive quotes and affirmations, but when you try to douse your negative emotion with one, I find it increases the negative, because HEY!! You are not supposed to be angry, Take a look at this quote from Albert Einstein:

 Anger dwells only in the bosom of fools.  ~Albert Einstein

Don’t get me wrong, it is a good quote taken in the right context, however, if I douse my anger with it, I am just going to say: “Eff you!! I want to be angry, I am allowed” or I will bury the anger deeper down and call myself a fool for feeling angry while adorning a fake smile. Do you feel the pressure cooking now?

Never go to bed mad.  Stay up and fight.  ~Phyllis Diller, Phyllis Diller’s Housekeeping Hints, 1966

Yes! Way to go Phyllis!

Eckart Tolle says: “Where there is anger, there is pain” This is the truth of what I have gone through this week. I felt a lot of anger and resentment, and now I am looking at the pain. I am asking myself “What is underneath the anger which is causing me to experience so many negative emotions?”

This is where I am at. All those emotions are those pieces of the blue sky puzzle, the rest of the puzzle is done, all I have to do is figure out which shade of blue goes where in order to get the full picture.

For the first time, my life IS coming together. I feel it deep within the pit of my stomach. I am grateful every day for what I have, for what I have accomplished, and for the support I have received, and am receiving now. BUT and yes there is a but, I am too hard on myself when things look shady and challenges arise. I blame myself for not “thinking the right thoughts” or “manifesting the right things” I must stop that now!

I must allow myself to look at challenges differently, and not always BLAME my thoughts of “lack” or “negativity” as the sole reason for my experience. Things are falling into place. Just writing this post is part of the adventure.

My therapist tells me I often think in terms of black and white, in my mind, there are NO shades of grey. Well that must stop.. because my blue sky puzzle will stay on the table of my spirit, and remain unfinished… time to find those shades of grey, and not the 50 kind!!!

Loads of love

 

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7 Comments

  1. Loved this post Kim! “It’s all about the process and mistaeks are mandatory.” 🙂 So lovely to be reminded that I/we are not alone in this journey.

  2. I’m so glad to read the part about looking inward at why there is anger. I learn so much about myself when I do that. And once I learn it, I almost always shrug and decide, “well that’s not helpful anymore, I need to change that.” and from there it’s teaching myself a new way of looking at specific situations. Thanks for sharing this, it needs to be said that it’s not always easy peasy, but when it’s not, it can be turned around pretty fast.

  3. I just loved reading your post and admire your “gots” to put it out there. Life is indeed a roller coster until balance, isn’t? …and we are all sitting in it. I took pictures over the weekend of water lilies and what came to my mind is that “as many flowers as many healings”….with love Cristina

  4. I loved reading your post, I find myself going through a similar situation where I had to unplug from the “Matrix” Much Bliss and Blessings on your journey!

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