Dear Deadbeat Parent

“It’s not only children who grow.  Parents do too.  As much as we watch to see what our children do with their lives, they are watching us to see what we do with ours.  I can’t tell my children to reach for the sun.  All I can do is reach for it, myself.” ~Joyce Maynard

 Dear DeadBeat Parent,

Let’s be clear about one thing, this letter is not about putting you down, or making you look bad, this letter is truth, and I think, as I speak for myself, my children and all the other  single moms and dads out there struggling for support.

How the heck do you do it?

That is the question, how can you walk away, knowing that your flesh and blood, your children, are out there, crying at 3 am,  living their lives, going to school, running with holes in their shoes,  making new friends, scraping their knees, getting their hearts broken, graduating, having birthdays, menstruating, fabricating, and creating?  Your children are getting all A’s or struggling with C’s.. they are dyslexic, anorexic, or athletic. They are learning to walk or learning to drive.  They are  sick in hospital, or hiding out at the park, longboarding, skateboarding, wakeboarding or snowboarding.  They can add, subtract, divide and multiply, recite the alphabet and sing a song.   They can touch their toes,  lick their nose, spray a hose, and make peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. They smile with pride when they accomplish a goal, or cry in disappointment when things go wrong. They laugh with their friends, and play pretend.

There is one thing they cannot do: They can’t share any of this with you! 

Do you ever wonder how they are?

As I watch my two leave for school, all grown up and proud of who they are, I remember it wasn’t always this way.  When they were little, they would compare themselves to those who had a daddy in their lives.  Even though sometimes the dad was apart from their children, he was present.  I wonder if you are present even when you see them.

When you speak to us, all I hear is:  “Wait, I’ll be there (financially and emotionally) when I get back on my feet”. This, every single time you call for the past 15 years.  Isn’t that a tiring response? Have you even challenged yourself to reach the “feet on the ground” trick?  And really, what does that mean to be “back on your feet”?  I mean there were times when, during my single mom moments, that I was unbalanced, unprepared, unsafe, unwell, underestimating myself. I  often felt unloved, unsupported, unappreciated and yes, at times, unhappy.  However, I still laugh at my kid’s corny jokes, or, when they were little, sat with them in the living room having a Teddy Bear picnic. To tell you the truth  is was then, and is now, those times when I feel or felt most grounded.  Kids have a way of doing that, bring you back to who you are:  A fun, loving, caring and attentive parent.

peace handsSo, let me get this straight then, quality time = needing feet on ground?

Interesting….

Another question, and its an important one, how does one “detach” themselves from their own children. How does that work?  Do you turn off the love valve, or ignore your own feelings?  Do you imagine they do not exist, that they do not need your love, or they are aliens from another planet?  How do you not listen to them each time you call when they say: “Dad I miss you, I love you and I really want to spend more time with you?” I mean, often, when they were little, they would cry for you daily.  They would ask me where you are and why you couldn’t pick them up that weekend. Then, who was left with their anger and picking up the pieces you have broken?  Yep!  ME!!

It takes a Village, and the Village won!

Also, how do you convince yourself that financial support for your children is only my job or the job of my dad, my mom, good friends and family? How do you feel when you cannot provide for those glasses, the braces, their food, a roof over their heads?  How do you sleep at night when you know they need winter clothes, hats and boots, or need a trip to the dentist? Doesn’t that bother you? I know I cannot handle it for very long. I wonder if you know how much guilt I have felt over the years having to say no every time they NEEDED something.. I mean kids often want things, and sometimes even when they do not need an item it is a challenge to say no. Imagine when they NEED new shoes, money for a birthday party, school trips and events, camp, school fees, books, acne cream, and sanitary napkins.

The words “because your dad doesn’t give us a dime!” almost comes out of my mouth in anger, yet I resist.  Ok.. ONCE!!  I did, in a moment of panic at a grocery store because I didn’t even have a dollar left to buy my daughter a pack of gum.  She was having this huge 4 year old fit, and the frustration I felt was bigger than not being able to buy a pack of Juicy Fruit.

MAKE IT HAPPEN!

That is what I do.  I’m an acrobat who makes things happen. A magician of sorts.  I step on my pride, run to church sales, stand in line at food banks, walked into community centers, worked, even when I was unwell to the point that I had to stop!   I run campaigns, and ask for money.. I have even been criticized for that once.  Yet, the support from friends and strangers is amazing.. but you wouldn’t know.. do you?

Call me super mom with one weakness:

I play a huge role –HUGE!–in their lives, if you havn’t noticed.  However, do you know what goes through my mind, VERY OFTEN.  As dreadful as this sounds, I worry.  I think about “what if I passed away?  Who would take care of them like I do?  Listen, care, nurture, and love them?  Who would fight for them, cry for them, let them speak their mind without reprimand?  Who would do that?  Certainly not you.  You are not back on your feet yet!

So as I sit here looking at their pictures on my wall, while they are at school, I think about how I chose you to be their father, and if there is one thing I AM grateful for is that I have them because of you.

My daughter said yesterday, despite her own “dad” issues:  “Dad IS the best dad to me, because he is my dad and I love him”.

You are, one lucky guy!

P.S.   Take the challenge, pick up the phone, get that job, stick with it, and have a Teddy Bear picnic with them no matter how old your children are.  You will find ground, I promise.

“The guys who fear becoming fathers don’t understand that fathering is not something perfect men do, but something that perfects the man.  The end product of child raising is not the child but the parent.”

~Frank Pittman, Man Enough

22 Comments

  1. Such a touching piece, Kim. I wish every deadbeat parent was forced to read this, but unfortunately, I doubt it would touch them.You have done an amazing job with your children and should be very proud of yourself.

  2. Sylvia van Bruggen

    June 13, 2012 at 12:01 pm

    Wow, Kim, so in awe of this letter, such strength, truth and love for your kids and yourself. Very proud to stand witness

  3. Wonderful, wonderful post Kim. I am so glad you wrote it, for yourself so much more than anyone else. I adore reading what you write.xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  4. This is a gorgeous piece Kim. The number one thing that keeps success at arm’s length in *so* many areas of our lives (parenting, a business, relationships, getting the abundance that is our birthright) is excuses. What if we just got creative and found a way so we could have that heart’s desire?

  5. I knew you could do this. Brilliant and truthful!! I can’t imagine the number of people this is going to resonate with.

    • Thanks Monica for the inspiration!! I really am very pleased that it is resonating and I was able to release what I was feeling.

  6. Reading your words brings me right back to 1/2 a lifetime ago and makes me realize that in the end, as long as our children are lucky enough to have one parent who continuously shares their love with their children, it is always better than no parents.
    Our own children never really do understand until they become a parent and honestly, it is better for them to be raised that way. Speaking unkindly of any human being only lowers our life to their level. Our precious little lives we brought into this world deserve to have more, so when your daughter still thinks her Dad is the best Dad, don’t feel hurt; feel proud that you brought her up that way by not belittling him. They are still in learning mode so keep up the great work.

    • Oh I don’t feel hurt, I encourage her to love her dad, and best yet, I tell her all the good stories! However, if she asks a question, she gets a truthful answer.., and so does my son.. without blame or “putting down”

      Thanks again for your support Laura! You always make my day!

  7. Powerful stuff, I can only imagine my mom going through this when I was a child. I wish no child had to go through that pain. While it hurt in the past it made me who I am today. Thanks for giving it a voice.

    • Sometimes stories like these make for resilient children.. You are proof of that.. and my kids
      are doing not so bad themselves! Pretty proud of them.

  8. My ex sent us away, then never sent $ except once (for which I had to send receipts so he was sure I wasn’t spending it on me), saw child ever other summer (and threatened getting custody though didn’t really want it)…it was hell. I tried my best to never speak badly of him in front of my child, so he could grow up and make his own decisions about his dad. They now speak, though it was rough there for a long while…he even tore up all the pictures of his dad in one fit of rage when he was a pre-teen.

    • Yes. the kids go through a LOT!! I hear you Pip!

      My two are good, very forgiving, wanting NOT to break whatever bond is left!

  9. Laurie Stephens

    June 12, 2012 at 11:37 am

    Wow, every single thing you wrote resonated with me… you have described my experience to a T. Hang in their sister!!

    • Aw Laurie! Glad you can relate.. I need more friends who can. If ever you want. Catch me on facebook: Kim Larocque 🙂

      Hanging in there with you!

      xxoo

      • Laurie Stephens

        June 13, 2012 at 5:25 pm

        Kim- trying to find ya but there are number of women on FB with your name :> I am on as Laurie Fischer Stephens if you want to connect.

  10. WOW, girl, I have tears running through my eyes now! YAY for you and every single -or not- parent out there! “The end product of child raising is not the child but the parent.” WOW!!!

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