“Life will give you whatever experience is most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness. How do you know this is the experience you need? Because this is the experience you are having at the moment.”
Sometimes, in the course of healing, something happens to bring you off course. The picture of a person walking down the street on a gorgeous winter day comes to mind. They walk content, breathing in the fresh air, the beauty of the snow on the trees is breathtaking, children are busy building snowmen, and if you look towards the horizon, the sun is gently setting giving the snow a yellow hue… then suddenly, while lost in thought, they lose their footing and frantically start slipping on the ice which was hiding underneath the freshly fallen snow.. I see this person frantically trying to keep their balance in order not to fall on the hard surface below, and with one swoop of an arm, and good reflexes, they stand upright, shaken but not stirred.
This is how I feel right now.. shaken: Time to “ground” myself focus on the NOW.
My first instinct is to find my ground, to take out my toolbox, and to remind myself that “this too shall pass”. However, when I see the veil right in front of me, trying to fix itself over the chestnut brown of my eyes, I am afraid. I try to fight these feelings, yet as I fight, they get stronger, yet, I fear if I let the veil envelop me, I will fall, slip and find darkness again.
Then the blaming starts!
“Oh Kim, you must have done something wrong on your path for you to feel depressed again” Shouts my mind!
“See, you procrastinated, and now look what happens, you fail” My Fox News ego speaks (an unreliable source I may add) .
“Who will love you when you are not broken” My tape plays….
I thought I threw them out!
It is wise to say, when going through depression, or any life challenge, there will be times when the scenery will not always be pleasant, and one may lose their footing. The tendency to want to “beat” ourselves up is strong.. well at least in my case. I found myself this week, ruminating, obsessing, worrying, and just focusing on the things I haven’t accomplished, or procrastinated on instead of looking at the things I have done. I mean, I have not let everything go when I am in these moods. I still cook, clean, support and love my children, pay bills, write, decorate, encourage my friends, talk to my mom, walk, laugh, sing, and relax with a good book.
Switching my focus, helped me switch on the light, when I started to feel the veil of darkness come over me.
BUT!! Who will catch me when I fall?
This is the most challenging part. I have always been in co-dependant relationships and friendships. My self-esteem was so low at one point that I never thought that alone, I could do things for myself. There were also many co-dependants with me on my ride, so I had to cut off many from my life, some out of love, some out of necessity. So when you are at the stage when it is time to create new friendships, but the trust is not there yet. What to do?
This is my worst fear, I had a little scare a couple of weeks ago (an old health problem) and thought I may have to go to the emergency. I called my daughter home from school just in case, so she could be here when my son got home. I never ended up needing to go, things healed, however, this brought up a new fear. Who would be here if something happened? Who would watch the children? Who would feed them and send them to school? Their father is not in the picture much, my mom lives in Ottawa? My best friend already has 4 kids?
What if ? What if ? What if?
Negative what if’s can be deadly… UNLESS, you change them. Yes, it is good to plan for things that may arise, however, if I changed my what if’s to .. What if things work out? What if my children take great care on their own? What if I get a surprise visit from my mom? What if I stay healthy? What if… You get the picture. This would be admitting that I trusted the Universe to take care of things as they arise, and that I have the right to continue my journey without worry, as long as I continue to take care of myself, and my children.
Wouldn’t it be nice… to completely surrender?
There are things I need, friendships, hugs, kisses, comfort, companionship, sharing, and activities that make me feel good. I need to pray, to drink lots of water, to pray, and to surrender.. did I say pray? Yet, it would be nice to just be able to ride this life without worries about money, health, relationships, and love. Yet, I know there will be a day when I do not “slip” into these bad habits anymore, or if I do, they will be in passing. I am a spirit in a human body after all! The mind is strong, and loves to keep me on my toes, however, what I know for sure, is that I want to buy myself some cleats to protect me from falling, yet we cannot predict a fall, and cleats are uncomfortable. That would feel like wearing helmet on my head every day just in case? Not wise, plus it would hide my purple streaks! I can’t do that!
Uncertainty: I must accept you!
There are actions I can take to help me feel more secure, this would mean, getting regular check ups, finding a “go to” person in case of emergency, continuing my therapy, and making sure I do not put things off for too long, such as, doing my taxes (which I have been). Most importantly, when I start to slip, I may call out to you so I can hang on for a little while.. not to depend on you, but to feel your support until the ice melts, and the veil lifts. I promise I will do the same in return.
Is that ok?
What do you do when you feel like you are slipping? Who are your “go to” people?