Until you’ve found pain, you won’t reach the cure
Until you’ve given up life, you won’t unite with the supreme soul
Until you’ve found fire inside yourself, like the Friend,
You won’t reach the spring of life.
When I first wrote about my depression, in Let The Truth Be Known I Suffer from Depression (1st in a series of 4), I opened the doors to my soul. Laying out my experience for everyone and out into the Universe, brought me closer to you my friends and my readers, consequently, it also brought me closer to myself. I discovered I am not alone suffering in the darkness, and happily so, I had hands to hold along the way. I even made new connections and built new relationships with those who are or were in the dark too.
This was in January. Today, after almost 5 months in therapy, and 3 months on medication, I am actually starting to feel my two feet on the ground again, and the feeling is amazing! I have made many changes and created a life of quiet. YES! I am a hermit (for now) however, think of it this way, I went from a lifetime of self-hate to entering a new life of self-love. I want to bask in it, smell it, live it and breathe it!
I spoke last week about, “taking out the garbage” and wanting to create more loving and meaningful relationships. This task starts with creating a loving relationship with myself. So, keeping this in mind, I had to separate myself physically from the world (in a sense) in order to commune with me and with God. I know I am not separate in spirit. My spirit is connected with all of you and with the source, so technically, at that time I was connected, just not in ways others think I should.
Forget what everyone else thinks and live your marvelous life!!!
Creating a loving bond with the person I am allows me to feel true love, the love I have been longing for almost ALL my life, because truthfully I am love. Love isn’t something to long for, love is something inside each and every one of us.
As the years went by, what I did was abandon myself. I gained and lost weight, I entered into abusive relationships, I even tried drugs (that didn’t work THANK GOD!!) I gave up everything I loved and adored doing.. my dreams went down the drain. I was literally living according to the expectations of everyone else and I constantly felt OBLIGATED! I started looking on the outside for things no one could really give to me. I fell in love with the potential of love, and this left me empty and scared.
When enough is enough!
When I was at the deepest point of my depression, I felt like I was in a deep dark well. It was cold, its was terrifying, and I felt like I was drowning in gunk. I prayed for someone to come find me and take me away from what I had, in reality, created all by myself. Then, the water started freezing my skin, and rose up to my neck, that is when I looked up and saw a tiny little light up above me. It was not a person shining a flash light, no rescue worker coming my way, it was your light and it was my light. The light of everyone who cheered me on during that dark time, I finally grasped onto it and up out of the well I went. Your light and love, became my light and love. The meds became the bridge which helped my feet stand on the ground.
They say when you heal on the inside, it starts showing up on the outside. This, I discovered this week to be so true! My home is less cluttered, my plants are doing GREAT!, and I can finally look at myself in the mirror again and smile. I went out last week to get purple streaks in my hair, along with a much needed hair cut, and now I cannot stop looking at myself in the mirror.. I feel pretty again. I bought myself some new clothes, and just yesterday, I refilled my makeup bag!
Playing spring chicken!
The thing is, I didn’t do all this to attract a new mate in my life.. (which in fact is what the old me would have done) I did all this for me. This is the difference and I feel it.
I feel in the flow, the Universe is providing me with everything I need, and when this happens, I KNOW I am on the right path. If I was having tons of difficulties right now, I would be asking myself: How am I creating this? So.. when doubts arise like yesterday (yep I started doubting my path) I remind myself of the old “self-sabotaging” me who likes to tease like a jester.
And.. like last week’s garbage, I told it to EFF off too!
My feet are on the ground. I’m dancing.. and singing.. and laughing, and enjoying this little heaven right here and right now!